Template Problems

As many of you know I recently changed the blog template and my apologies go out to those who surf the web with Netscape, Firefox, or any Mozilla based browser. Especially since you can't read what I just wrote. Sorry, I am working on fixing that right now.

I think I'm paranoid

For those who are curious about why I don't take advantage of this grand opportunity and blog about the realities of this conflict let me explain: OPSEC. If I were to do hard news or talk about in detail what goes on here I am deathly afraid that terrorists could read my website and gain valuable information. Maybe I am paranoid, but then I am living in hostile territory in what is reputed to be the most dangerous place on earth, surrounded by random gunfire, frequent explosions, and suicide bombers. Wouldn't you be worried if I wasn't a little paranoid?
Two points if you can name the music group I am referring to in the title.

The difference between men and women:Totally irrelevant factoid

It's important to remember that genetically men have more in common with a male chimpanzee than they do with any woman. (A little something I learned from a book called Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes: The Ultimate Guide to The Opposite Sex.)

New Pictures

There are new pictures up at A Thousand Words.

I strive for the sublime by embracing the trivial

This blog has no aspirations to be controversial. My goal was specifically to escape my chain of command's notice and fly "beneath the radar". By several accounts, I have failed. Miserably, I am told. I don't know.
The good news is though that nobody is planning to shut me down. I think it is because of my tendency to avoid things like my opinion of the commanders latest decision, the dramatic success of our latest mission, the dramatic failure of our latest mission, or casualty reports.
Instead, I'd rather tell you I bought clothes for leave! Look at what I got!

• Michael Kors citron yellow piqueé polo shirt - size L - Citron Yellow
• Glorious Shirt Company multi-color cotton patterned button front shirt with jersey back panel - size L - Multi
• Allen B. white embroidered sport shirt
• Glorious Shirt Company blue & white cotton multi-pattern button front shirt - size L - Blue / White
• Michael Kors black wool 2-button blazer - size 44 R - Black
• Ralph Lauren: Polo RRL cream corded cotton jean-style jacket - size L - Cream
• Ralph Lauren: Polo green tint wrap around sunglasses - size One Size - Gold / Green
• John Varvatos cream ribbed crewneck cotton t-shirt - size L - Cream
• Kenneth Cole New York black leather 'In Plain Sight' oxfords - size 12 - Black

All purchased from Bluefly.com at discounted (yet still exorbitant in the eyes of my incredulous colleagues) prices. Note that I didn't buy pants. I was joking before that I was going to spend all my time on leave at a nudist colony since I didn't have clothes. Now, I'll just have to ensure that I am only photographed from the waist up.

Comments at Will!

I don't know who cares and how much, but comments work now. I'd puzzled over them once before and gave up, but now I think I have the situation handled. Comment at will!

Spring Diet fever

I sympathize but don't necessarily fully understand the pain women suffer when they diet for and eventually buy a new swimsuit. (I am not buying a new swimsuit, well, at least I am not buying a bikini. Or... I don't know maybe I will.) I do have some idea of how hard it is to lose two inches off one's waist. I understand, because that is what I am trying to do.
I checked the other day, and my measurements are as follows:

• 41" chest
• 14" right bicep
• 14 1/4" left bicep
• 24" thighs
• 15" calves
• 34 3/4" waist.

Most unsatisfactory! I mean, look at that waist! I am too young to become a blimp. (My apologies to those who are larger than that. You are not blimps. You're ummm... I'll get back to you on that.) Granted, I do tip the scales at 200+ lbs now but I consider that to be a feeble excuse. I have never been this fat before. I've also never been stronger. The bottom line is that I am carrying way too much fat on my stomach.

Why do I suddenly care that I might be turning into the Pillsbury doughboy? Who I am trying to impress? Well, I am reasonably certain that I am coming home on leave in May, and it is absolutely imperative that I be in tip-top shape to impress the girls at home. Surely, there is no more worthy cause for concern? What could be more important than a young man's never ending quest for female companionship?

I burn massive amounts of calories, and I do a small amount of aerobic exercise. (skipping rope) The problem is my rapacious appetite. I find it nearly impossible to not eat everything in sight. I tend to not discriminate when I snack and I will eat whatever is available. Thanks to my faithful readership, my loving family, and my fellow soldiers, ramen has been in steady supply. (THANKS!!! I really enjoyed the ramen folks.)

I could do more intense cardiovascular/aerobic workouts, but the problem is that aerobic exercise destroys the products of weightlifting. Long distance runners are usually very skinny because their muscle eats itself. Aerobic exercise eats muscle. So more than 15 minutes of anything is out. Besides, extended running hurts my back, because (you guessed it!) I am so much heavier. Also, running in our installation incurs the risk of being struck by a mortar round. Hemorrhage due to shrapnel wounds and blast injuries is extremely bad for one's physique.

The only solution is to cut calories. Ramen is definitely out. I've also renounced refined sugar (for a while anyway) and all other junk foods. I am still going to eat everything I can at regular meals. I am just cutting back on snack foods.

Random Thanks

I am going to thank a few random people who have sent me soccer balls. I don't have a comprehensive list because that would entail organization, which is not a word I would use to describe this soccer ball endeavor. "Ambitious" is a word I might use, but definitely not "organized".
Thank you, Karen, Ryan, Jason, Judy M, Kathleen, Jon, the children and teachers at the Monteverde Friend's School in Central America, Claire, and most of all Colleen - without whom I would probably have very few soccer balls. I am sure there are people I have left out but I did mention that these were randomly selected givers right?
I estimate I have received 50 soccer balls so far and I am hoping for more. I've distributed the soccer balls through the battalion chaplain to the various line companies and the demand is enormous. I simply can't give them enough and the children always come back for more. I could easily give twice as many away and still not have enough. Thank YOU!

American Economy modeled as gas

A random blog article about how economists are modeling all of the economy but the top 3% as a gas. You have to read it if only for this quote, "...as macroeconomist Makoto Nirei puts it, the gas model "seems to me not like an economic exchange process, but more like a burglar process. People randomly meet and one just beats up the other and takes their money."

Boy do I feel foolish

So my hand isn't broken. My trip to see the Navy doctors and get X-rays was revealing. I got off on the wrong foot by forgetting my consultation paperwork, and compounded my problem by being a little insolent with the Physician's Assistant on duty. Oh well.
I got an overwhelming response on the Informal Reader Survey. Three people responded. They were overwhelmingly female and middle aged, so I am redoing the page with pink accents with 24 point font so they don't have to wear their reading glasses when they check out the page. (I am allowed to tell that joke because both my parents are middle aged and very near-sighted. My vision is better than 20-20 now but when I turn 40 I will instantaneously go blind.)

Football Is More Violent Than War

Who would have guessed that I would sustain the first broken bone of my life playing football in Iraq? Three or four weeks ago, when I ceased to be a line medic and moved into the aid station, I played a football game and fell on my hand knuckle-first. I remember that immediately my pinky knuckle was deformed, swollen, and very painful. I thought immediately "Something is wrong." Then of course I thought, "It'll heal". If it had been anyone else's hand I would be in trouble with the medical platoon for not providing care.
So I was lifting weights the other day and mentioned how stiff my pinky finger had become to another medic and showed him the lump underneath my pinky knuckle. He suggested a condition known as "Boxers' hand". Boxers often break their metacarpals from punching with the smaller knuckles on their hand. I showed my hand to our doctor and he immediately concluded that I had broken my hand.
So I am probably facing surgery sooner or later to fix the problem. Things were going so well...

Places to Go Before I Die

I place a lot of emphasis on wish fulfillment in my life. I want to be able to grow old and not regret wasting my youth. I mean one can be responsible, get a job and get married, or one can party oneself cross-eyed. It is obvious what route is most attractive.
I was reading Stuff magazine (or was it Maxim? They are so similar that I think they might as well combine forces and stop competing. They could call the new magazine Stuffxim, pronounced "stuff 'em") the other day and saw a list of party spot world-wide to visit for New Year's Eve. Of course, last New Years Eve I had a hot date with a dude wielding an AK-47 and wearing a long beard so I didn't visit any of the aforementioned reveling rendezvous. I did start thinking though, where do I want to go party while I am still young enough to enjoy it? Well here's my list:

• Ibzia, Spain. It's only the wildest party in all of Europe, if E! Entertainment is to be believed. I think I read a statistic somewhere about how 70% of all females who visited with their boyfriends cheated while they were there. I am certainly not taking a date when I go.
• Sydney, Australia. I was planning to go while I was in Korea because of the things I have heard about Aussie women and the pictures I have seen of Australian beaches. The number one reason? Nicole Kidman and Elle McPherson are Australian. I've been trying to figure out where to go to meet lonely 6 Ft. tall super model types all my life.
• Cozumel/Mazatlan/Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I spent 4 hours in Mexico during spring break, and I saw enough to know that anything goes in Mexico. Anything.
• Las Vegas, Nevada. I want to see Sin City while there is still sin left to be committed.
• Los Angeles, California. I am not really interested in seeing the stars. I have been watching that TV show The OC and I think that LAX is the closest airport to Newport Beach.
• The French Riviera. Because I want to see French girls and there are no beaches in Paris.
• Reykjavik, Iceland. Hip people worldwide are flocking to Iceland because of the great night-life, the northern Lights, and the hospitable people. I am hip right?
• Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. One Word. Carnivale!
• Bora Bora, South Pacific Islands. Because everyone says they want to go to Hawaii. I want to see the South Pacific, but I also want to be original.
• Miami, Florida. Ok, so maybe Will Smith isn't the greatest rapper alive; but I think he was onto something with that song.
• Hedonism, Jamaica. The name says it all.
• Benin, Nigeria. Because Dallas, TX is home, but Nigeria is Home.

Informal Reader Survey

If you don't know, I have been plotting a massive redesign for sometime, but it occurred to me that I haven't included a major constituency in the decision-making process - you the reader. I don't gather usage statistics and for all I know all I may have ten readers total (but they all send great care packages!) but I do want all ten of them to suggest how the site might better serve them.
At the same time, please don't be offended if I completely ignore your wishes and do something completely different. It isn't callous disregard - it's... I'll get back to you on what it is, but I do understand one thing about my readers. The majority of my readers stay interested because my situation is the same or similar to that of one of their loved ones. When I was in AIT, a woman read my site and told me of her fiance who was going to Fort Sam Houston. She lived in fear that he would succumb to the many temptations to be found in San Antonio. Another woman wrote me when I was in Korea about how her son was also in Korea witnessing and probably experiencing moral depravity with "Drinky girls" in Tongducheon. Now that I am in Iraq, I get family members of deployed soldiers.
I am trying to say that in six months I will have new readers because I will have started a new adventure. I don't know what happens to the old readers, but chances are they stop reading. I can't even get my family and friends to read all my blog posts.
I need email from as many readers as possible about why they read, who they are, and what they like or don't like. I don't share reader's names or their names.

Rock Star's Websites

When putting together your own "rock star" website it is necessary to study actual rock star websites, which I have been doing in my spare time. I discovered that a lot of Rock Stars have old, poorly updated websites. It looks like many people put a lot of money and work into developing flashy cutting edge websites when the web was new and then discovered how much was required to maintain such a website. A lot of sites have flashy graphics and music but no content to back up the site's pretty looks.
My goal and what I mean by Rock Star website, is a site that looks expensive but is designed without any expensive parts. The site should be colorful, energetic, and look as if it might fly off the screen but without breaking the budget of the guy who built it.
I do know these things:

• I hate rectangles.
• I like irregular borders.
• I like not having any borders.
• I like Jenniferlopez.com.
• My liking Jennifer Lopez's site has more to do with the picture on the left side of the site than it has to do with the design.
• I don't look as good with my shirt off as J.Lo. does. (But I do look real good, let me assure you).
• I hate sites that make you download stuff to see them.
• I hate sites that only work on certain browsers.
• I think really cool designs should also look really simple.

Those are my design principle right there, in a nutshell.

While you ponder my rules of good design check out www.firstrock.net.

I finally got a programming job

After an exhaustive search for employment I have finally found a job doing programming work. The catch is that I had to join the Army become a medic and forget half of what I knew about programming to get the job. My newest task in the medical platoon is to replace the old platoon database, which is a formidable endeavor. The old database had 47 fields in a table and 816 records. "Daunting" is a good word to describe my job for someone whose only experience with databases comes from a 3 credit class he took in college almost 3 years ago. To further complicate matters, the database could probably use some Visual Basic expertise, another class I was blowing off on a regular basis 3 years ago.
Despite all the cobwebs in my brain, the database is actually coming along fine. It's going better than my last project, building a heating rack for iv fluid with balsa wood and duct tape, which didn't really go that badly either if you ask the people who matter most.
My next big project for the platoon is building the platoon website. I am going to make us all look like rock stars. That is as soon as I can get someone to send me some decent image editing software...

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!
That is, if you actually want to enjoy Valentine's Day. I mean, Valentine's Day is just another one of those commercial, market driven holidays that corporate America uses to separate honest people from their money.
Ok, So I am a little bummed about not being able to hook up on Valentine's Day. Sue me!

Do You Remember The Time I Almost Got Married?

I don't know whose been reading for how long and how long those peoples' memories are, since I no longer gather any usage data; but I was curious if anyone remember the story I told about the "soldier medic" at Fort Sam Houston who wanted desperately to get married. This is what I said:

...Like this girl I know who is getting chaptered out of the Army due to health problems. She realized that she will be without any benefits or employment so she is trying to get married to someone for the health benefits! It will happen to because she is an attractive girl. I was tempted myself - if only for the chance to demand that she do her "wifely" duties...

Well I have trouble resisting a good joke, so I called her and suggested that we should get married for the money. So of course, she said yes. Luckily, I was hanging out with other medics who were able to administer CPR. She went on to say that she had always liked me and that she would be happy to do her "wifely duty". I had of course lost all powers of speech.
I bring this story up because she e-mailed me the other day and told me how her life was going, which was pretty well actually. She's working and will soon be returning home to attend college.
I still can't help but wonder "what if?" What's more, if I was married I'd have had priority for leave dates. What if?

My Name is Idaho, and I am an Addict

My name is Idaho Edokpayi, and I am addicted to television. I may have said something about being addicted earlier, but you must understand that my addiction is serious. I think I would be less obsessed if I was mainlining heroin every thrity minutes. I have never watched much on tv until I discovered the wonders of broadcast television the summer I graduated college. I watched an entire season of "The Real World: Chicago" in one day. Suddenly, I understood what it was to actually enjoy a program and want to watch new episodes in sequence.
The next year, I discovered the magic of DVD's and Tivo all at once. I am now forever spoiled. My life is over.
It's that simple.
When I am not watching "Smallvile", "Roswell", or lately "The OC"; I am watching "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer", or possibly, even worse, playing Soul Calibur 2. Soul Calibur 2 has to be what you might get if you took crack and digitized it and put it in a video game. There are times that I am not even enjoying playing the game, but my fingers won't stop and I can't seem to drop the controller. I don't even know what other games I own on my Xbox anymore.
This is bad because I am a soldier... in an infantry battalion. I am surrounded by fellow addicts! When somebody isn't saying, "Hey, Doc let's watch some OC" or "Hey, Doc let's watch some Buffy" they are telling me that I couldn't beat them at Soul Calibur if they all had no thumbs and were forced to play the game by pecking the buttons with their noses. Wrong thing to say.
What more can I say? I love television. Just not on TV anymore - I've got my brother, an electrical engineering major, working on technology to send the visual impulses directly into your brain. You'll be able to watch hours of TV in seconds. Just think of the possibilities!
TV is a heck of a drug.

Is This Thing On?

Somebody recently emailed me to ask why I hadn't posted in two weeks and I nearly replied that I thought I had. I looked at the blog and I haven't. I have been posting by email and I am not sure if I have been careless or if there is a problem but I know of at least one email post that still hasn't shown up.
If you have been checking the blog and thinking horrible things, well they are not true. I would never lie about my feelings for your sister... Wait wrong apology. I am alive and well as those of you who have been e-mailing know very well. I am sorry and I'll pay more attention to whether my posts actually get on the blog in the future.

When it Rains it Pours

My location in the Sunni Triangle looks like a monster truck rally, which isn't far from the truth when you consider how much modified up-armored and armored HMMV's weigh. Winter here can be cold, damp, and dreary - which is to say that it is probably preferable to the only other season we have here, which is summer. We have tracked mud on every square inch of floor indoors and most boots have changed color from tan to brown. The majority of my platoon is complaining of cold symptoms, and I am suffering the exact symptoms but I hate medication, ironic since I am the medic. 

For those of you who are interested in my soccer ball project I have a few helpful guidelines:

• You may send the balls deflated.
• Size doesn't matter, but I would recommend a size 5 ball. (The kids aren't picky)
• I am not affliated with any charitable or  international aid organizations.
• I make up the rules as I go.

Keep those things in mind and we can have a beautiful relationship. I am going to post pictures of smiling children with soccer balls at this location , my new photoblog, A Thousand Words. There will also be pictures of daily life in Iraq.

That's all for now, I am leaving to go take my mudbath.