Do You Remember The Time I Almost Got Married?

I don't know whose been reading for how long and how long those peoples' memories are, since I no longer gather any usage data; but I was curious if anyone remember the story I told about the "soldier medic" at Fort Sam Houston who wanted desperately to get married. This is what I said:

...Like this girl I know who is getting chaptered out of the Army due to health problems. She realized that she will be without any benefits or employment so she is trying to get married to someone for the health benefits! It will happen to because she is an attractive girl. I was tempted myself - if only for the chance to demand that she do her "wifely" duties...

Well I have trouble resisting a good joke, so I called her and suggested that we should get married for the money. So of course, she said yes. Luckily, I was hanging out with other medics who were able to administer CPR. She went on to say that she had always liked me and that she would be happy to do her "wifely duty". I had of course lost all powers of speech.
I bring this story up because she e-mailed me the other day and told me how her life was going, which was pretty well actually. She's working and will soon be returning home to attend college.
I still can't help but wonder "what if?" What's more, if I was married I'd have had priority for leave dates. What if?

My Name is Idaho, and I am an Addict

My name is Idaho Edokpayi, and I am addicted to television. I may have said something about being addicted earlier, but you must understand that my addiction is serious. I think I would be less obsessed if I was mainlining heroin every thrity minutes. I have never watched much on tv until I discovered the wonders of broadcast television the summer I graduated college. I watched an entire season of "The Real World: Chicago" in one day. Suddenly, I understood what it was to actually enjoy a program and want to watch new episodes in sequence.
The next year, I discovered the magic of DVD's and Tivo all at once. I am now forever spoiled. My life is over.
It's that simple.
When I am not watching "Smallvile", "Roswell", or lately "The OC"; I am watching "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer", or possibly, even worse, playing Soul Calibur 2. Soul Calibur 2 has to be what you might get if you took crack and digitized it and put it in a video game. There are times that I am not even enjoying playing the game, but my fingers won't stop and I can't seem to drop the controller. I don't even know what other games I own on my Xbox anymore.
This is bad because I am a soldier... in an infantry battalion. I am surrounded by fellow addicts! When somebody isn't saying, "Hey, Doc let's watch some OC" or "Hey, Doc let's watch some Buffy" they are telling me that I couldn't beat them at Soul Calibur if they all had no thumbs and were forced to play the game by pecking the buttons with their noses. Wrong thing to say.
What more can I say? I love television. Just not on TV anymore - I've got my brother, an electrical engineering major, working on technology to send the visual impulses directly into your brain. You'll be able to watch hours of TV in seconds. Just think of the possibilities!
TV is a heck of a drug.

Is This Thing On?

Somebody recently emailed me to ask why I hadn't posted in two weeks and I nearly replied that I thought I had. I looked at the blog and I haven't. I have been posting by email and I am not sure if I have been careless or if there is a problem but I know of at least one email post that still hasn't shown up.
If you have been checking the blog and thinking horrible things, well they are not true. I would never lie about my feelings for your sister... Wait wrong apology. I am alive and well as those of you who have been e-mailing know very well. I am sorry and I'll pay more attention to whether my posts actually get on the blog in the future.

When it Rains it Pours

My location in the Sunni Triangle looks like a monster truck rally, which isn't far from the truth when you consider how much modified up-armored and armored HMMV's weigh. Winter here can be cold, damp, and dreary - which is to say that it is probably preferable to the only other season we have here, which is summer. We have tracked mud on every square inch of floor indoors and most boots have changed color from tan to brown. The majority of my platoon is complaining of cold symptoms, and I am suffering the exact symptoms but I hate medication, ironic since I am the medic. 

For those of you who are interested in my soccer ball project I have a few helpful guidelines:

• You may send the balls deflated.
• Size doesn't matter, but I would recommend a size 5 ball. (The kids aren't picky)
• I am not affliated with any charitable or  international aid organizations.
• I make up the rules as I go.

Keep those things in mind and we can have a beautiful relationship. I am going to post pictures of smiling children with soccer balls at this location , my new photoblog, A Thousand Words. There will also be pictures of daily life in Iraq.

That's all for now, I am leaving to go take my mudbath.

So You Need Proof?

When I came up with the idea of giving Iraqi children soccer balls I always knew in the back of my mind that I would need proof that I was actually giving the balls to the children. I originally intended to take pictures as proof, then I I realized that may not be adequate. However, I don't have much in the way of other options. I intend to take the pictures and post them on a photoblog (as yet unnamed but coming very soon) but in the end, I'll have to ask you to just trust me. The address the soccer balls are sent to is an APO address in Iraq and honestly, other than perhaps a soccer coach, who wants a million soccer balls in the mail?  I suppose it could be part of some diabolical plan to take over the world, but what are the odds?

Meestah Give Me Football!

I would never explicitly ask for something for myself on the blog. I might however drop subtle (ok not so subtle, or rather really obvious) hints. However, for somebody else, I don't feel the slightest compunction making my demands known.

What I want are footballs, known to you as soccer balls. The never ending refrain of the Iraqi children's singsong pleas is "Meestah give me football!" They ask for other things of course, pencils, pens, crayons, stickers, coloring books, papers, money, watches, sun glasses, etc. But they always ask for soccer balls. And I never have any. So I aim to set this situation right. So please, send me your balls. Soccer balls, I mean. (perverts)

This is how it works. If you send me an email, I'll email you back instructions on where to ship your soccer balls. If you already know my address feel free to just go ahead and send them.

Thanks! You many now return to your regular programming.

Combat Carpenetry

If you had been near my location in Iraq recently, you would have thought it was a construction site. Well, my location is a construction site; but it's also a fortified position, bristling with heavy machine guns and booby traps. People passing by simply do not realize how close they come to death everyday.

The most popular pastime recently has been carpentry. I even tried my inexperienced hand at some minor projects. Thus far I've built a platform for exercise and a floor for my room, and both were remarkably similar in construction. I built the platform so I could do calf raises without breaking my neck on the balcony or the stairways and I put the floor in so I didn't have to walk in the dirt in the little room I call home. I am satisfied with the results, even if the results are lopsided and unfinished. Finished wood where I live is unheard of. It wouldn't go with the decor.

I took some pictures recently (THANKS DAD!) to send home to the folks and my mom upon seeing the pictures immediately wanted to know where my gun was. I replied that it was strapped to my leg like it always is. It seems that the family is afraid I'll get shot because I am not carrying a big enough gun. I just want to say, don't worry about me - I have 20 body guards and they are all packing heat. Me worry? Nah!

Ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed or sleeping bag in my case? Today, I was in such a nasty mood that I would have punched Mother Teresa in the ovaries if I had seen her.

Check out the Bravo Company website. http://www.b-co.1-503rd.org/

Gotta Go!

It's a New Year

I have no resolutions except to do everything I can to return to the States in one piece. I should think of something funny to say but some days you just don't feel it. I WANNA GO HOME!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to you and yours!
Umm by the way, unless the Army is willing to relax its strict rules of behavior and allow shenanigans like what is depicted in Starship Troopers (co-ed showers, sex in the tents) I am very much not in favor of women in the infantry. I'll explain what brought this up another time.

stuff not to send a soldier

My platoon has been getting a lot of packages because of the time of year and we appreciate the sentiment and the good things the people of America have sent us. Some things have been cause for head scratching or bemused laughter. For instance, if the address says anything about "Infantry Regiment", "Inf.", or anything resembling the word "Infantry" feminine hygiene products will not be appreciated. We feel much the same way about vitamin supplements meant for women, and magazines like "Redbook" aimed at an older female audience. Men in an infantry line company really do not care to read about why Julianne Moore believes that no one should get plastic surgery. (We would tend to believe that many people are in dire need of immediate emergency plastic surgery, but that's just us.)

Also don't send us water. I am amazed that the water survived the trip without springing a leak but, a single bottle of water is a mockery more than anything else. If the Army can deliver my mail I am sure it can deliver sufficient quantities of water also. Now that I have told you not to send water, I am sure we will have a shortage and I will be forced to drink water from the open sewers in the street. No matter, what does not kill me sends me home early.

I can't think of anything else you shouldn't send offhand but I'll let you know when something occurs to me.

Merry Christmas

In case I don't see you again. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

By the way, visit www.desertoutkast.com, make PFC Gonzo happy too this Christmas.

I'd be happy if he'd just take down that stupid picture of me sleeping.

In case we don't meet again

Rampant consumerism aside I wanted to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Christmas isn't about the stuff you get or the money you spend or the places you go or what you do when you get there. Christmas should be about the people you spend the birthday of Christ with. I apologize to the atheists out there. Atheists should feel free to spend Christmas concentrating on getting more stuff.

No more homilies in this space till next year.

More Stuff

I have had a couple of days to think about it and I wanted to add a few more things to my list. Of course, when I get done, Santa will have to airlift everything I want in a C130 but I have needs.

• a Special Operations Medical Backpack $159.99 at http://www.rangerjoes.com/ (in Black please) I have to feed my not so well hidden aspiration to be in Special Ops.
• the next 12 copies of Maxim magazine, because you can't get Playboy in Iraq.
• one jumbo size bottle of hand/body lotion, my skin is extremely dry.
• a time machine, I need some way to make this year pass faster. Of course if I had one the Army would immediately confiscate it in the interest of national security.
• a motorcycle.
• a full body cast, in anticipation of the massive vehicular accident that I will likely have the first time I ride the motorcycle.
• illegal drugs, so I can numb the pain. (If you really attempt to send me illegal drugs I will fly to your location and beat you senseless. If I can't get pornography what makes you think I can get drugs?)
• a Papa John's pizza with extra cheese, Italian sausage, and jalapenos. Frozen? Maybe they could just send me a kit with instructions on how to assemble the whole thing and then I could attempt bake it over a campfire. There is no limit to what a determined soldier might attempt.
• An Xbox, because nobody will send me one despite the fact that I have oodles of money in the bank. (Oodles is a word I define as more than I am accustomed to having due to my normal spending habits)

That's all for now. I'll be waiting impatiently I promise.

More Stuff

I was reading the list of stuff I asked for, and realized that there was no reason I should stop there. I mean I asked for world peace so I might as well try for a couple of new XBox games or something.

In addition to world peace, brotherly love, and well being for all I decided I also want:

• A Pony.
• A big house with a pool. (I'll need it to store the stuff I am going to ask for)
• A vacation to Disney World.
• A baby grand piano. I don't play but I'll learn.
• An electric guitar. See above statement.
• A drum set. See above statement.
• An Alienware Gaming Desktop computer system. I like computers, especially funky alien shaped computers.
• Smallville season three DVD. I already asked for this once. If I have to do it again heads will roll.
• Season three of 24 on DVD. I kind missed this season what with training and deploying for Iraq and all.
• The Dave Chappelle show on DVD. I want this mostly so third squad leader can stop bugging me about borrowing DVD's I have already broken.
• Season three of The Shield on DVD. I don't know if this available but I had to ask you know, I'm on a roll.
• Season three of Friends. I have this weird quirk - I only watch the third season of any TV show.
• Nine pairs of Nomex tactical gloves or Nomex aviator gloves. I destroy like one pair of these a month, so I figure that nine will get me through the rest of the deployment.
• More to come later!

Christmas list continued

Where was I? I think I had just left off with the car. I also want:

• A Tablet PC that can play DVD's and burn CD's. Everybody else has them! I just want to have the same things as all the cool kids.
• Bi-pod legs compatible with a picatinny rail system. My platoon sergeant just got some and they are super cool. You never have to use a sandbag to support your M4 at qualifying again. Of course I would also need an M4.
• My own domain name. You can't be hip unless you have you own your-name.com . All the cool kids have this I swear.
• The Rosetta Stone Arabic Level 1 Language Program. I can't be an international super spy until I have mastered a difficult foreign language and Arabic is the language of the month at Oprah's linguist club.
• 100 pounds of Ramen Noodles. I am hungry.
• 100 pounds of spiced Beef Jerky. I am very hungry.
• A new wardrobe in case I come home on leave. If I come home right now I will be forced to spend the entire time in a nudist colony.
• A weight bench. I recently benched 245 lbs. - the most I have ever lifted in my life - but we lost our weight bench. I stay in shape by doing calisthenics in the wee hours of the morning when I am pulling guard.
• Summer desert combat boots. Supply mistakenly gave me two sets of winter boots and I can't wear one pair because they are too small.
• Final Draft 7 screen writing software. Instead of selling the movie rights to Warner Bros. I am going to write and direct the compelling story of my adventures in Iraq myself.
• World Peace.

Merry Christmas!

All I want for Christmas

All I really want for Christmas is to be home. Unfortunately the only way I'll be home this Christmas is in my dreams. That failing I have a list of things I want.

• A Casio G-shock Watch. I have destroyed no less than 5 watches since I was told that I would be deploying to Iraq.
• A warranty for my XBox. I have destroyed nearly $300 in Xbox equipment since I have been in in country.
• Warm weather. It has been absurdly frigid in our location and I am told it will continue to be so for the forseeable future.
• A Nissan 350Z. Do I really need to explain this one?
• Matching chrome plated 9 millimeter hand guns. I have just grown accustomed to the feel of the gun and I want to be able to accessorize with my watch.
• Time is up. More later

Out on the street with my peeps

So I was on patrol just the other day when we met this crowd of Iraqi children. When we see children they tend to clamor for whatever trinkets we carry and we usually give them pens, coloring books, or whatever school supplies we have on hand. Candy is not recommended but sometimes we do it anyway. Usually, the kids won't accept the candy. I began asking the kids their names and trying to converse with them using the limited Arabic I have learned during my tour. One child completely floored me when he read my name off the front of my flak vest, no mean feat considering how much difficulty native English speakers have pronouncing my name. I immediately turned and pointed at another soldier's name. The kid read the name with no difficulty. He didn't speak English as well but his sense of humor translated just fine. With the pen we had given him less than 2 seconds ago he wrote on his hand in English "Ali Baba" - Arabic G.I. slang, as in "Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves".

Let me be the first to tell those of you at home who don't know yet, it gets cold in Iraq. I can't tell you how ironic it is to be wearing a jacket when you are staring at palm trees. I always wondered why they made us pack cold weather gear.

Somebody send me season 3 of Smallville! I acknowledge that I can't eat it but the box that it comes in might be kind of tasty.

Idahosa Edokpayi

Can anyone understand the mystery that is Africa?

Can anyone hope to survive her jungles unscathed and soul intact?

Can anyone look upon her people and not be moved?

Can anyone understand the mystery that is Africa?

Posting by email

I am trying a fairly new feature in Blogger that allows users to post by email. I had some lame sentimental rhymes I had wanted to post but I failed to write them down immediately and the poetry disappeared. Maybe next time.

Any Citizen

Lately, we've been receiving letters addressed to any soldier. I am replying to any citizen who cares to read.

Dear Citizen,
Thank you for your letters of support and the numerous packages you send our way. Your support makes our war effort possible. The cookies fill the stomachs of the soldiers who receive them and the letters fill their hearts. We laugh with delight when your children write us and study the pictures they draw and the photographs you send with intense interest. Soldiers amuse themselves by responding to your correspondence and even if you receive no response do not assume that your letter was not appreciated. Our duties sometimes make us forget our manners but we never forget your gifts and letters.
There are those of you who question our involvement in Iraq and wish us to come home immediately. Most soldiers would tell you this is impossible. We believe that we are here because we must be here. Our involvement is necessary for your safety, for the safety of the world. Whatever the reasons that soldiers originally entered Iraq, soldiers must stay now for the good of all involved. We are here planting the seeds of freedom in Iraq just as the first American soldiers planted them in America so long ago. Even if we could be persuaded to abandon the work we have started we could not leave. To leave would be to disgrace the blood of our brothers in arms who have died or been maimed fighting here before us. We have to make their sacrifice worthwhile.
Citizen, don't know me, you will probably never meet me but if you read what I have written and understand the sentiment behind my words you will have done me a great service. Thank you.

SPC Idaho Edokpayi 1-503rd INF REGT US Army