12.07.2002

Horrible Macho Guy Schemes


For all the lonely geeks out there, here's a scheme for getting a woman's attention: You advertise in the student newspaper of your local liberal arts (more girls there) as a math and science tutor. You invite the girls to your home for a "private session" and tell any men calling that they have the wrong number.
Contingencies

You Don't Know Anything About Science and Math!

Be sure to serve wine or some other alcoholic beverage. After she has started with alcohol slowly introduce other mind altering substances in the guise of special medication to aid in "learning". Hope that after some alcohol and vigorous "tutoring" she won't remember what she came for.
The Girl is Ugly!

You have several options:

  • Feign sudden and violent illness. (works every time!)
  • Tell the girl she has the wrong address. (be sure to disguise your voice when answering the door.)
  • Hand the girl a paper bag and instruct her to wear it. Tell her that it is a special technique for preparing the mind to learn by suppressing the identity. (Ugly is better than what you have at the moment which is nothing.)

This Scheme is Illegal!

Don't let doubt, fear, and a little thing like the law stand in your way. You have no women! You must go and get you some!

12.06.2002

On the discovery channel over the weekend, I saw the story of a guy who got a branch lodged in his anus while cutting a tree limb. I immediately made a solemn vow to always pay somebody else to trim my trees.
I had a friend who I took physics with who always joked about dropping out of college and selling drugs.It was funny till I had a friend get busted in the parking lot of his college for selling drugs.
Yeah Baby! Yeah! I love a good fight and Glenn Reynolds and Nick Denton are having a minor throwdown. I have to say I agree with Mr. Reynolds on this one. Europe is in BIG trouble.
"My business is sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll..."
- Whitney Houston
Good Stuff from the happy liberal people at Slate.com.
It is also interesting to note that the "anti-abortion" clinic's best weapon against abortion is its ultrasound machine. As soon as the women see what is in their belly, it isn't a fetus; it becomes a baby. Never fails.
I worked in an anti-abortion clinic today. It was interesting. It's located next door to an actual abortion clinic and the staff stands in front of the other clinic to provide free "counseling" to the women going inside. I am relatively sure there is no violence involved since I don't hear anything in the local news about angry abortion protesters beating doctors in Dallas as they scurry to their cars after working at the clinic. Granted, I don't watch the news.
The interesting thing about the whole abortion debate is, that while I am ideologically on the pro-life side, I find that I'd rather associate with the pro-choice people. I mean, an abortion clinic is a terrific place to meet loose women! Seriously, pro-life people tend to be white, and less "cosmopolitan". (Ok, I think they're white trash...)
The Catholic Church and Evangelical Christians are the driving force behind the pro-life movement and I don't much agree with either group. I don't like the Catholic Church, because, well it's the Catholic Church. Organizations that slaughter dissenters, torture and extort its members, and incite countries to violence against other countries are called terrorist organizations now. The Catholic Church says it has reformed now, but it is still home to rampant corruption. Catholicism seems to me to be an empty religion. I have nothing but respect for devout people who practice the religion and are faithful to what they believe, I just truly believe they are mistaken - like I think Democrats are mistaken. Evangelical Christians, as represented by the groups who are a part of the national pro-life movement, are nearly as bad as far as I am concerned. Most religions are so far in practice from what they originally claimed to believe that I find their claim to righteousness laughable. (Not that I am much better :-p)
The other side of the coin, the pro-choice organizations - Planned Parenthood, NOW, Democrats, etc. - are just as mistaken. My stance against abortion is this: Most reasonable people will agree that aborting a viable 7 month old baby in the womb is wrong. (NOW doesn't, taking the stance that if they lose on that issue the next attack will be on first and second term abortions. This is unreasonable. It's murder, pure and simple.) The reason that reasonable people agree that aborting a baby in the 7th month is wrong is that he can live outside the womb. If his mother gave birth to him, chances are good that he would survive. You can use this argument against abortion in the thrid trimester, but supposedly not for any earlier term babies because these babies are still dependent on their mothers; but what if a baby could be independent of his mother after 3 months, or 2, or maybe even immediately after conception? The reason that babies can't survive earlier births now is medical technology. As soon as we have the ability to support them sooner will abortion suddenly be wrong then? I think if abortion is not wrong it should be fine at any time during the pregnancy - right up to the final delivery of the baby. The mother should be able to decide "No I don't want the baby, dump it now!" If you believe a woman has right to do that, than someone should confiscate your sexual organs. We don't need people like you to reproduce.
I am thinking about going into the foreclosure business. I'd find soon to be foreclosed houses and dispatch thugs to beat the occupants senseless for not paying their bills. Wait a second, wrong scheme...

12.04.2002

UTD appears in the December 2002 edition of ESPN The Magazine! Ok UTD makes an appearance because we are the college champions of chess, but hey that's something.
I am beginning to think that perhaps college is less valuable for the things you learn then for the people you meet while learning. A smart individual could just as easily learn everything he needs on his own with the help of books and the internet. College is the only place where mulitudes of smart people gather within walking distance of each other. College also has the side benefit of being a great place to pick up a date.

My Christmas list


I don't expect to actually get anything from this list but this is my fantasy so indulge me.


So, yeah I am a greedy materialistic media blinded consumer. I admit it. But if you want to buy me anything, here are my sizes:

  • Suit: 44R
  • Waist: 32"
  • Inseam 32"
  • Shoe size: 11-12" depends on style of shoe
  • Neck 15 1/2"
  • Chest: 39 1/2"


I'd give you a shipping address but I am sure I'd be getting packages from DogDoo.com. All I want for Christmas is everything.

12.03.2002

I wonder if I had any professors who didn't know my name? I was riding the bus today to go play soccer and I met my freshman history professor. He was awful by all accounts - I don't think he was so bad but he was a terrible dresser; the man had no taste. He remembered me right away, even with the shaved head. When I go back to school it might do to be a little more anonymous, or not.
I discovered recently that my chest seems to have grown an inch. That is the wonderful thing about being a man, exercise can increase the size of your chest. I still don't look good in that Versace muscle shirt. I doubt that will ever happen though, at least not without the use of chemical enhancement.
This looks like fun! I won't watch though. I never do.
Have any girls in the audience ever met a guy who looks great but his personality grates on your nerves like nails on a chalk board? I don't look all that great but my personality can have that unfortunate effect.

12.02.2002

I think I am in love. Between that car and an Impreza I am not sure which I would take.

12.01.2002