Thursday morning, (it's now Friday morning) I went to orientation for DISD substitute teachers, which was surprisingly entertaining.Our orientation group leader was an enthusiastic educator whose signature joke was "Heeeey!" She used the the word so often and so effectively to get our attention that even she would laugh. Not surprising, since it was her joke.
It was an all day affair and we got out a generous 15 minutes early even though Velinda, our group leader, said we would not get out early. How exactly, we were supposed to become qualified educators with lesson plans between 8 am and 4:30 was and is still beyond me. Substitute teachers have as little as 60 hours of college education and approximately 8 hours of training from the school district and are expected to seamlessly replace certified teachers in fast paced class room settings. The horror stories are numerous. Many people related stories of substitute teachers allowing the children to watch movies all day. One former "sub" told how he was advised by an experienced substitute to buy a Disney movie to play for the children. He told me the woman did not bother to even rewind the tape between classes.
At this early date in my career, I would say the situation is improving. The DISD doesn't appear to condone inadequate lesson plans, and many of the substitutes are qualified teachers who have retired or are working to achieve their certification. New graduates, like me, (people who aren't qualified and are barely older than the kids) appeared to be very few. Substitutes are given a crash course in classroom control, preparing lesson plans, dealing with DISD paperwork, child abuse, gang violence, and securing lucrative long term replacement assignments. (Make friends with pregnant teachers NOW! Impregnating the teacher yourself wouldn't work as the 9 months a baby would take to come to term would most likely be too long for you to benefit).
Donovan Collins, the deputy chief of the Dallas Independent School District got up next to give us the low down on criminal activity in Dallas schools. After telling us that students see substitutes as giant "pork chops", (comforting indeed) he instructed us on how to manage violent situations in the classroom. Dallas schools are surpsingly safe, and apparently kids like to come to school. This is mostly because being in school is better than getting shot. Weekends are very long in Dallas. Officer Collins told us that gangs are in the schools but are well managed. (Which is possible. Really, I am not joking.) Using a three tiered plan of prevention, intervention, and response the DISD police aim to stop gang violence - and they have really. Officer Collins also instructed us in some of the arcana of gang dress and speech:

• "Pulling a jack move" is jacking you up (robbing or beating I think) and running/moving.


• Listening to rap music is the best way to understand what the kids are talking about.


• UNC stands for Underground Nigger Crips and was founded in Duncanville High in 1985. (Hah! Suburban, predominantly white schools with gang violence!) They like to wear University of North Carolina tracksuits and light blue Jordans


• BK stands for Blood Killers and are usually crips gang members. They will never say the acronym CK. (Do they wear British Knights?)


• Kids wearing Texas AM gear are often in the TeenAge Mob.


• CK stands for Crip Killers. (Calvin Klein?) These are usually Blood gang members who will never say BK.


• Cowboys stands for Crips On Wheels Bustin' On You Slobs. Obviously they wear Dallas Cowboys gear which is conveniently also Crip blue. (I must say that was a very clever appropriation of a popular trademark)


• Many kids no longer wear gang colors, but will carry towels and wipe their face to show their gang affilliation.


• Gangs will often identify themselves by neighborhood or local landmarks. One local gang is known as Ledbetter 13 after a bus that passes through the neighborhood.


• In 2001, 16 guns were confiscated in the Dallas school district. Nine were found on the school grounds. Two were surrendered by students, and five were located through tips from students and teachers.


• In 1990, 160 guns were confiscated in the Dallas school district.


• In 2001, 11 knives were confiscated.


• Knives longer than 5 and 1/2 inches (about the length of a dollar bill) are illegal in Dallas.


• Neither students or faculty members are allowed to carry any type of knife, legal or not, to school.

Officer Collins also related several enlightening ancedotes, in the course of instructing us what not to do at school. Don't sleep with the students! One sixteen year old girl told an officer, "I can do more for you than your wife!" Don't threaten students with knives! Officer Collins saw an elderly officer at a football game surrounded by several very menacing youths. Suddenly the kids scattered. The officer was holding a knife and "threatening to jack somebody up" . Don't leave school buses unattended! One day a school teacher/bus driver complained in tears to Officer Collins that his bus had been stolen. Officer Collins immediately called the "Ghetto Bird" (helicopter) to locate it. The Ghetto Bird reported that the bus was proceeding north on Hampton Rd in Dallas. Officer Collins immediately joined pursuit of the bus, which by this time was being tailed by three police cars with sirens wailing and lights blazing. Officer Collins quickly saw that the bus was being driven by a middle school student known as "Pork chop" accompanied by his friend "Caveman". Pork chop could drive the bus better than the bus driver! Pork Chop calmly turned on the left turn signal, pulled into the left lane, and pulled over on the side of the road. Suppressing laughter, Officer Collins demanded to know just what the hell Pork Chop and Caveman intended. Pork Chop wanted to drive the stolen bus to Skyline High School to steal a minibus and Caveman was just "chillin'". Why? Because "the honeys wouldn't get on the big bus!"
The last speaker was Clarence Glover, a DISD adminstrator in charge of multicultural education. He instructed us on the importance of understanding the students' culture and provided an interesting statistic about the ethnic breakdown of DISD students.

• 0.3% are American Indian.


• 1.4% are Asian.


• 36& are Black.


• 56% are Hispanic.


• 7% are White.


• 73% are poor.

My analysis of the situation is that the only white people left in DISD are the ones who are just too poor to move - trailer trash. If it wasn't for the trailer parks out in Seagoville, there probably wouldn't be any white people left in Dallas schools. Every affluent neighborhood in Dallas has access to another school district. Lake Highlands residents even pay property taxes in both Richardson and Dallas so their kids can attend either school district.
Substitute teaching promises to be interesting and enlightening. Well at least, I should meet some girls. (teachers, please God, let them be teachers ) My only regret is that I didn't meet the cute girl who sat in front of me. I even saw her exchange telephone numbers with the old guy next to her! Chaka, I want you to know you can do a whole lot better than that.