Moving...

It's bitterly cold in Dallas today. The majority of my worldly goods have been stuffed into a duffel bag, a canvas travel bag, and an old army surplus knapsack. Sadly, my world possessions consist mostly of clothes. I am taking no furniture, no vehicle, and no home electronics. I don't even have a car to sleep in. I also have exactly $115.51 to my name. $100 of that money will be automatically removed from my account on the 28th by Citigroup. It's sad. :(

Never sign up for free business cards. My brother and I did and we just discovered that they had been charging his credit card 6 bucks a month for being in some "savings club".

Apology Retracted

On the 13th I issued an apology and I retracted a statment that I made. The pastor denied ever protecting the child molester and I believed him. Well I was wrong, and unless he has an extremely good explanation and proof to the contrary, he was wrong. Youth, ignorance, etc is no excuse to me. I don't care. I regret involving innocent people but I apologize to no one else. I defy anyone to tell me one thing I wrote that was untrue. Name it and I'll apologize. I wrote harshly and I used dramatic, accusing language, but there is truth to every word. I will probably never be able to speak to certain people again. I don't care. I said it. It was true. I don't apologize.

Still a Soccer junkie

Juggled the ball 44 times this morning. My focus and ball control are improving. I wish I had known what I know now before I ever tried out for the team. I could have at least embarassed myself less.

I need a JOB!

Either meaning of the homonym would suit. His patience would help me wait and keep from doing something that could be rash - join the military - and a job would provide me money. Americorps and Teach For America look like interesting alternatives to real jobs too. An actual 9-to-5 would work too, but I need no less than $11/hour if the cost of living is equivalent to that of Dallas. I would need $11.92/hr to live in LA, $10.75/hr to live in Austin, $12.48/hr to live in the Bronx, $11.72/hr to live in Brooklyn, $16.51/hr to live in Manhattan, $12.31/hr to live in Queens, $11.51/hr to live in Staten Island, and only $9.39/hr to live in Norman, Oklahoma. Before I'd move there you'd have to pay me a lot more than that.

I am

A snake, a liar, male, medium height, black, african, athletic, determined, rebellious, underachieving, broke, naive, a college graduate, a potty mouth, a blogger, a bit of a nerd, contrarian, in trouble, a dreamer, hard to fathom, a little vindictive, dangerous, not imposing, a troublemaker, rash, bold, resilient, outgoing, a riddle, a Republican, lonely, an alien, disappointing, secretive, Nigerian, selfish, athletic, alive, obervant, under-employed, trouble, a stranger in my father's house, a reject, an outsider, a punk, angry, young, opportunistic, crusading, itching to travel, crazy, sarcastic, caustic, uncaring, intolerant, impatient, materialistic, Idaho.

What will I be when I grow up?

Definitely not a financial planner. I am actively looking for a job now. (Nothing like moving out at the end of the week for motivation) I could definitely teach but not right away. First I need to pay my fees at UTD so they can release my transcript. Then I need to either weasel out of taking the TASP (I didn't take it coming out of high school because I was a freak. Really, I swear that's what it has in my transcript instead of a TASP - a blank sheet of paper with my name and "FREAK" scrawled across it in red ink.) or take it. This will take at least a month. Until then I'll have to find other employment. DOH! Maybe Burger King is hiring...

A website by someone in even more hot water than me. He's getting 6,000 hits a day. Maybe if threatened to build nukes...

I am finishing a thought about Trent Lott that I began on December 12th. I can see that what I said bothered a few people. (Along with exactly 341 other things. I am working through the list.) I don't know if Trent Lott is a racist and I don't know if a few other southern Republicans are racists. I do know that the Klu Klux Klan votes Republican and David Duke (credibly reported to be a member of the Klu Klux Klan) nearly won the race for governor in Louisiana a few years back as a Republican. I don't want Klan members or any bigots in the party because it discredits the non-bigoted Republicans. I can't argue with Democrats and black people in particular about this issue because they can quickly shoot back: "but what about David Duke?; What about Klan members voting Republican?" Trent Lott got was forced out not because they believed he was a racist but because he was a liability. Racists in the party are liabilities.

You ever have a job interview that you knew was a mistake almost as soon as you walked in? I just did. I would have gotten up and left early but that would be rude. Everybody knows how wrong it is to be rude!

Last night I re-read every post I have made on this website, and in light of recent events I almost wish that I had been anonymous but I believe personally that anonyminity is a crutch. I am also not sure if I really should explain anything. Any explanation would be seen as an excuse and I don't believe in excuses.
The one thing that struck me is the number of spelling errors that pervade my writing. Also, I am struck by how many things I wrote that the Preacher could possibly see as objectionable. Every post seems engineered to inflame the church. It is worse than if I had used strong profanity because I chose subject matter sure to get a reaction from the Preacher time and time again. The Preacher even mentioned the post I made about Trent Lott.

Multiculturalism doesn't work! I am not surprised.

I am not in the business of excuses. I've never had any really good ones anyway. I didn't say that I don't give them. Just that, I didn't give very good ones. My pastor (from henceforth he will be "the Preacher", he's been that type of figure in my life that he deserves a one word name prefixed with a "the") pilloried me from the pulpit last night and promised to name names unless I apologized. As far as I know, unless somebody else has a website discussing the church's dirty secrets, the Preacher means to name mine. Certainly, the Preacher wouldn't name any of the people I mention since well not everybody knows and it is the Preacher's stated policy to not expose people unneccessarily. I am not sure it matters if the Preacher mentions my name. Who doesn't know? I don't know who, since I am not a part of the gossip mill anymore, (I made my last major contribution to gossip on September 2, 2002) but I operate on the assumption of full coverage gossip. I assume everyone who shakes my hand in church knows all of my dirty secrets already. My assumption is not entirely true, but it is a useful assumption for me. I don't really have any friends in the church. I know that I called a few people my friends, but I use the term loosely. They are more like acquaintances really. I'd recommend that everybody in the church I speak with on a regular basis disassociate themselves from me - don't worry, it won't hurt my feelings.
The Preacher told me that he's known for a while and hasn't treated me any different since he knew. Anybody who reads my blog can tell that recently I got wind that something was up, but the Preacher is right he hasn't treated me any differently since he's known. He made a comment to two people I speak with about not wanting to get involved with any business that I would start which I could have taken as hint but even that I attributed to other sins I had committed and it very well could have been I am not disputing the Preacher's claim of fair treatment. The Preacher's been making veiled references to my website for at least a week now, apparently hoping that I would come and talk to him. If he had spoken to my Mom first he would know that I would never ever do that.

I didn't sleep well last night. Angering thirty to forty people at once, has a way of making your heart race that renders sleep nearly impossible. Knowing the character of the church I go to I am a little afraid to go back. Someone might shoot me.
Apparently, somebody has been reading my blog in detail, and reporting the juiciest bits back to people in the church. I am not angry since I did provide them with material. Assuming that people who leave have really left was a mistake.

Apology

On September 2, 2002, I was in an impossibly nasty mood and depressed as I am wont to be from time to time. I wrote some things that I regret but one thing in particular is chief among them :

I could tell you that the pastor once protected a man in the church from prosecution for molesting his step-daughter. That the man did it repeatedly and that his sons picked up on his behavior before the step-daughter reported him for doing it again.

As far as I know, that is not true. I was wrong for saying it, even with the caveat that it was gossip. I had no right to publish it and I besmirched his character. I could offer excuses but I have none. My assumption of anonyminity was false.
I am only beginning to deal with this situation. I can see that I have a lot of explaining to do.

A site that every young man should know about. One of the most common ways to get in trouble if you are young and single.