Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!
One would think that as much snow as I've seen in Colorado that I would be enjoying my first white Christmas, but Colorado weather insists on being contrary. Oh well, snow is a little overrated anyway.

Dental Surgery is Fun

My mouth is slowly beginning to feel more like someone used a sharp object to pry a wisdom tooth out. I am, of course,thankful for modern dentistry techniques, since someone did actually pry a tooth out, only hours ago. Modern dentistry, despite the obvious advancements in anesthesia, is still somewhat primitive in practice. I watched in disbelief when the dentist stuck some sort of dental tool in my mouth and used it like a crowbar to pop my tooth loose. Then I listened as the tooth cracked audibly and half of it nearly went down my throat. I forced myself not to panic when the dentist and his assistant scrambled to pluck the fragment of my wisdom tooth off of my tonsil, all the while urging me not to swallow.
And that was good dental surgery.
My Dad told me the story of how once he visited a dentist for similar oral surgery (I inherited his crooked wisdom teeth along with nearly every other physical trait I own) and fled the dentist's office bleeding profusely from the gums. I am thankful that at least I didn't feel the need to get up and run in the middle of the tooth removal.

Tooth-less

I am posting here, dear reader, after having a successful (thus far anyway) dental surgery. It wasn't painful but having a tooth forcibly pried from one's head is never a pleasant experience. As I type these words the right side of my jaw, lip, and tongue are still numb. When I open my mouth to speak, I sound like a recent stroke sufferer. Saliva and blood accumulate in my mouth rapidly, and I struggle to keep from choking on my own spit. So, in other words, I am ready to celebrate the Christmas season.
MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR'S everybody!

Car Maintenance

I am very slack about car maintenance, which is why I took care to buy the extended warranty when I got my car and why I am very worried about sudden failures of my car's machinery. I constantly fret about the oil level, the transmission fluid, and tire pressure.
Naturally, my mind is next occupied with solutions for my problem and the one that keeps returning to my mind is pain. Not personal pain, although if someone where to flog me each time my car needed maintenance, my car would stay in tip-top shape all the time; but what if the car "felt" pain. People naturally respond to and understand pain in animals and other people. If a car was apparently self-aware and could express sensations of pain to its operator cars would likely suffer from fewer maintenance related problems. Apparent self-awareness isn't as difficult as it seems. (although it probably isn't as easy as I am about to make it seem) The car would only need to monitor a few critical systems to keep the operator abreast of its current maintenance needs. With the advent of low cost wireless communication, engineers could disperse sensors underneath the surface of a car's skin and in the event of an accident the car could pinpoint the damaged area of the body. Better yet, the sensors could be equipped with short-range sonar systems so that the car could "feel" how close it was to obstacles in it's path. Imagine a car that could tell you how far to back up when parallel parking! What's more interesting is that nothing I have proposed requires new technology. I don't know about the price or practicality but I bet the majority of what I have proposed could be built with off the shelf parts. Why not? I wouldn't be surprised if someone is already working on it.

A Ray of Hope Amidst The Chaos

When I saw this article on yahoo I wanted to dance. Sunni Arabs becoming involved in the Iraqi political process is that big a deal. To some it means they don't have to endure violence on television; to me, it might mean that I don't have to endure violence in person.
In other news, President Bush and Presidential Candidate McCain have struck a deal on a torture ban. For me, the deal and the potential law officially banning torture means nothing. I don't think interrogators should have tortured as many detainees as they did, but I don't think it should have ever been revealed. I agree with the official ban, but I also think there is nothing wrong with a little clandestine torture of deserving individuals on occasion. Ordinary combatants illegal or otherwise don't need special treatment, but for certain individuals I think we should break out the whips, chains, and Chinese water torture devices. Maybe even call in some of these folks to help out.

Medics to the Rescue

I was reading a lengthy article about the lack of school nurses putting children's lives in danger when I realized something: the solution is to send a medic. I could easily have handled every emergency situation listed in the article. Someone with an EMT-Basic license, while not as qualified as a nurse is cheaper and capable of handling emergency situations. The medic doesn't even need to be a full-time medic; a teacher could learn CPR, take the EMT course and provide emergency support for the students. I admit that perhaps EMT training alone would not be sufficient for someone to know how to properly administer medicine but at the very least children wouldn't die as frequently in the emergency situations listed.

First Rock For Life

This week my battalion is being re-flagged in conjunction with a change of command. Being "re-flagged" means that we are changing names. We will no long be the 1st Battalion 503D Infantry Regiment.; the battalion will now be known as 1 Battalion 9th Infantry Regiment. No more will our motto be "First Rock!" - the "Rock" is now the "Manchu". I am a little sad and a little perturbed about losing our name and identity to some battalion in the 101st Airborne Div.
The 1-503D has a storied history stretching back to World War II when the battalion was one of the original formations of the fledgling Army Airborne force. The battalion took on the name "The Rock" and the motto "First Rock" from a daring airborne assault of the rock of Corregidor in the Philippine islands. (I have always found it strange that my battalion took so much pride in the airborne portion of the assault when 1-503D actually assaulted by boat and 2-503d actually assaulted from their parachutes.) The battalion went on to fight in Vietnam as part of the 173D Airborne Brigade and was among the first US forces on the ground and among the last to leave. The 1-503D spent the years after Vietnam as part of the storied 101st Airborne Division until 1984 when the unit was deactivated. In 1986 the unit was reactivated and assigned to 2nd Brigade of the 2nd Infantry Division. In 2004 the unit deployed to Ar-Ramadi, Al Anbar province in Iraq, an area reputed to be the most dangerous place in the world at the time.
What angers me most is having to learn a new unit history. I thought I had taken my last history class in college. Time to learn about the Manchu...

Back on the Information Super Highway, also why I hate Paypal

I finally have internet in my room. Getting high speed internet in my room has been a long time coming and I can't tell you how much I have missed it. I might even save money since I have been burning precious fuel driving to the library to get internet access or renting expensive hotel rooms so that I could log on. Really...
The other thing I wanted to do is voice my displeasure with Paypal. I don't just hate them - I detest them. I loathe the very air the employees of Paypal breathe. I dislike the company with the intensity of a million suns. I want to find their physical address so I can burn down their buildings and dance in the ashes.
You ask me if I've had a negative experience with Paypal? How did you guess? I won't go into the shocking, gruesome details, but my beef lies with Paypal's verification process. Forgetful users like me are prone to tying up their financial information with multiple Paypal accounts among other complaints.

Christmas Shopping

I was Christmas Shopping in the mall when I noticed something interesting. The store employees at Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch look like they could be extras on the The OC. Not just the clothes, but the hair styles and the attitudes, and well everything.
I immediately tried to extend the comparison to other stores. Banana Republic often looks like it was the costume department for the movie Mr. and Mrs Smith; Express employees look like extras for the TV show Las Vegas, with all the glittering flashy clothes they wear, and Pac Sun could have supplied the wardrobe for every surf movie made in the last ten years although it would be a skimpy wardrobe indeed.
So my idea didn't work out so well.

Get Out of Iraq or Stay In?

People who argue that America should get out of Iraq now or soon don't understand the stakes of the contest in the Middle East. If we pull out early, we lose. If we lose, terrorism will grow in Iraq and spread unchecked across the Middle East. People think that terrorists attack because American troops are in the country. These people don't understand terrorism. Terrorist attack because they can.
It is similar to having a malignant tumor. The doctor can give up and stop treatment of the tumor because of the cost but then he will probably forced to amputate the afflicted body part. In this case we cannot amputate. In our case, amputation would require complete annihilation of every living thing in the Middle East. We can pull out but only if we are prepared to nuke the people who live there. That is the only way we can contain the terrorism that is growing there.

Happy Thanksgiving

Should I ever meet Billy Cundiff in the street there might be a fight. Stupid kickers, I lost a bet because of him...
I hope everyone had a Happpy Thanksgiving.

Torture and Jarhead

I went and saw Jarhead the other day and actually kind of liked it. I noted that all the uniforms were without USMC insignia and name tapes so I am guessing someone in the Department of Defense didn't like it. The movie is anti-war and the book is anti-war but what I appreciate is that both attempt to realistically portray military life. One thing that the movie leaves out that is in the book that I feel is actually very important is the author's decided contempt for anti-war protesters. The author perhaps felt the war was unjustified but he also felt that the anti-war protesters of the time were out of touch with the issues. Which gets me back to my little war memoir, that I am writing. I work on it sporadically and I have seven short chapters complete. Maybe, I'll let ya'll read some.
There is much uproar about the CIA torturing suspected terrorists and how horrible they are for doing that. I happen to think that we should torture suspects. We should just do a better job of keeping it secret. How secret are secret prisons if the Washington Post knows about them? I honestly think that every major government in the world has engaged or is engaged in some form of torture but I think they just don't tell anyone. And what is this I read about CIA agents being unable to carry out assassinations?! I am referring to this passage from the Washington Post article cited above:

The CTC's chief of operations argued for creating hit teams of case officers and
CIA paramilitaries that would covertly infiltrate countries in the Middle East,
Africa and even Europe to assassinate people on the list, one by one.
But
many CIA officers believed that the al Qaeda leaders would be worth keeping
alive to interrogate about their network and other plots. Some officers worried
that the CIA would not be very adept at assassination.
"We'd probably shoot
ourselves," another former senior CIA official said.

What kind of secret agent can't kill people?

Like a Duck

I've been racking my brains every day since the last post looking for something to say in the next when I realized that I am like a duck - I look calm on the surface (most of the time anyway) but I am paddling madly to stay a float. And that's alll he wrote.

High Altitude Training

I have never really liked running much and moving to Ft. Carson hasn't helped much. People who had taken the APFT (Army Physical Fitness Test) here have told me that running here added at least a minute to your time. I listened but hoped I could overcome the altitude. Well, I can't.
I had a poor showing on the APFT during PLDC at Fort Hood, but I attributed that to a poor choice of diet supplement. (If I see Harvey with another one of those little red and white capsules I am going to beat him to a pulp) I ran a 14:40 2 mile and blamed it on the energy pill I popped 30 minutes before the test. I returned to Ft. Carson after two weeks and ran a 15:40 time in the 2 mile and concluded that I am just fat and out of shape. It's a shame since I had perfect scores in the push-up and sit-up events.
The one constant in my Army career has been if I can do push-ups, I can't run; if I can run, I can't do push-ups. I usually run 2 miles in around 12:30, do 70 push-ups, and 80+ sit-ups. My top priority before I leave the Army is to have all perfect scores.
Today, I did 83 push-ups, 81 sit-ups, and ran 2 miles in 15:40. My performance in the sit-up event was hindered by persistent flatulence. After 50 sit-ups the force of my abdomen contracting was forcing a steady stream of gas from my stomach. By the last ten sit-ups, I was having a fresh explosion of foul smelling gas on each repetition. The officer holding my feet and the NCO grading my performance were convulsing in a storm of giggles. The only reason I didn't laugh was because I couldn't breathe.

Is This Thing on?

I just returned from PLDC and I am not in the greatest mood. PLDC will do that to you. (Or as it is called now the Warrior Leader's Course)
I noticed that spam has made its way into the blogosphere by way of comments - which is a low down dirty shame. I think there is no one here but me and the spam artist. SUCKS!
I have exciting news involving, TV, the military, and moose testicles. Chew on that for a while.

PLDC

I am going to be in Texas for two weeks for PLDC starting Tuesday. This is one time I am not eagerly awaiting a trip to Texas.

M.I.B. (Missing In the Blogosphere)

I am back and I mad as hell. I've been M.I.B. (Missing In the Blogosphere) and I just wrote a quick post to let folks know I am back in the game. So what happens? Internet Explorer chucks it into the digital dustbin never to be seen again. I am late for softball practice, so I won't type out the list of profane things I had to say about Internet Explorer, Microsoft, this computer, and anyone else who might have been to blame for the unforgiveable incident but I want them to be on notice: you have been warned.
I'm baaaaack!

No Army In Louisiana

To those wondering why it isn’t a good idea to deploy infantry soldiers to assist in natural disasters in the continental United States, listen closely: infantry soldiers train to kill people. One of the reasons Iraq has been so difficult for us is that we can’t just kill people there. So deploying soldiers not trained for disaster relief or police work would be unfair and lead to another embarrassment for the Army. So until they tell us in advance to train soldiers and develop regular Army units for disaster relief don’t ask. We have our hands full with Iraq already. We already have units trained for the task in the National Guard. Deploy them there.

The Songs From The Year I Really Graduated

Whoops! Here is a corrected version of the last post.
The list of the 100 most popular songs of 1997.
Songs I like from that list:

• Foolish Games / You Were Meant For Me, Jewel
• I'll Be Missing You, Puff Daddy and Faith Evans
• Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton
• I Believe I Can Fly, R. Kelly
• How Do I Live, LeAnn Rimes
• Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), Backstreet Boys
• MMMBop, Hanson
• For You I Will, Monica
• You Make Me Wanna..., Usher
• B***h, Meredith Brooks
• Nobody, Keith Sweat
• Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind
• Barely Breathing, Duncan Sheik
• Mo Money Mo Problems, Notorious B.I.G.
• No Diggity, BLACKstreet Featuring Dr. Dre
• Hypnotize, Notorious B.I.G
• Do You Know (What It Takes), Robyn
• Honey, Mariah Carey
• Da' Dip, Freaknasty
• Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?, Paula Cole
• If It Makes You Happy , Sheryl Crow
• Everyday Is A Winding Road, Sheryl Crow
• Pony, Ginuwine
• Building A Mystery, Sarah McLachlan
• Tubthumping, Chumbawamba
• ESPN Presents The Jock Jam, Various Artists
• Don't Wanna Be A Player, Joe
• Barbie Girl, Aqua
• Let Me Clear My Throat, DJ Kool

Music From the year I graduated

This is a list of the top 100 songs from the year I graduated. I got the idea from LDH. (Check out his blog here)
My personal favorites from that year follow:

• Too Close, Next
• The Boy Is Mine, Brandy and Monica
• You're Still The One, Shania Twain
• Truly Madly Deeply, Savage Garden
• How Do I Live, LeAnn Rimes
• Together Again, Janet
• All My Life, K-Ci and JoJo
• I Don't Want To Wait, Paula Cole
• Gettin' Jiggy Wit, Will Smith
• You Make Me Wanna..., Usher
• Crush, Jennifer Paige
• Everybody (Backstreet's Back), Backstreet Boys
• I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, Aerosmith
• This Kiss, Faith Hill
• Sex And Candy, Marcy Playground
• Show Me Love, Robyn
• Tubthumping, Chumbawamba
• I Want You Back, 'N Sync
• When The Lights Go Out, Five
• Never Ever, All Saints
• I Get Lonely, Janet
• Say It, Voices Of Theory
• Come With Me, Puff Daddy
• Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind
• Lately, Divine
• Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), Backstreet Boys
• Time After Time, Inoj
• Cruel Summer, Ace Of Base
• Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are), Pras Feat. Ol' Dirty Bastard and Mya
• I'll Be, Edwin McCain
• Ray Of Light, Madonna
• Touch It, Monifah
• Dangerous, Busta Rhymes
• Still Not A Player, Big Punisher Featuring Joe
• Foolish Games / You Were Meant For Me, Jewel
• Love You Down, Inoj
• Heaven, Nu Flavor

**Update**

I was in the car thinking about this when I relaized that I graduated high school in 1997 not 1998. So the post should be titled "Music from the year after I graduated". Here is the right list.

Fly, it's cheaper

Before I tell the story of my failed attempt to use Military Space Available Travel, there is something I want to say: **** Space A!
I had to get that off my chest. In reality, Space Available travel is a wonderful thing and under the right circumstances could be a wonderful thing. Space available Travel was less than kind to me. I admit that if I had been more punctual and a little more astute in my scheduling and fact checking, this post would likely be about the great time I had in Hawaii.
My tale of woe begins with the week that I missed two flights to Travis AFB from Petersen AFB in Colorado Springs. I called the Petersen terminal and confirmed a flight on Wednesday of the week I was supposed to leave. To my horror and surprise Wednesday morning, there was never a flight that Wednesday. There were however, flights Monday and Tuesday. I have a witness who is willing to testify in a court of law that I confirmed a flight on Wednesday with no flights before then. I should have known though that personnel cannot give information on flights more than 24 hours ahead of time by phone and confirmed the information given me by calling Petersen's automated telephone schedule information system.
The next misstep was my decision to drive to Travis AFB by way of Dallas. I decided that getting a flight from Travis AFB to Petersen AFB was uncertain so I should guarantee my return transit by driving to Fairfield, California in my 2002 VW Jetta. Bad move. The cost of gasoline and hotel rooms devoured my last paycheck and then some. Even with a free stop in Dallas at my parent's house, the cost was too much. The average cost of gas was $30. I need to refill my tank approximately every 300 miles. So on a drive of 1,700 miles one way, that is 7 refills - $210 dollars. Add the cost of sleeping at motels that aren't frequented by prostitutes and you are talking about a serious chunk of change. And that is in only one direction. The cost can be lessened some by not sleeping but not sleeping raises the potential cost astronomically when you think of the cost of replacing a car totaled by driving off the side of a mountain after falling asleep. Not to mention potential damage to one's health.
When I arrived at Travis AFB my flights were either canceled or filled by higher priority passengers. Bummer. I didn't even get a chance to visit San Francisco or Sacramento, 1 hour away and 45 minutes away respectively.
I tried to salvage the whole shebang with an overnight stop in Los Angeles. Huge mistake. I had a dreadful misadventure in West Hollywood, when I discovered that I was the only heterosexual male in 4 city blocks. I should have just gone home when the establishment I first attempted to visit, I-Candy, was closed for a private party. I should have gone home when I discovered the next one down the street was having Drag Queen night - I figured it out when one of the very tall women in miniskirts standing outside the club told a passerby "We have bigger ****s than you!" I should have gone home when I warned the young black man in the black SUV that the next club was populated with Drag Queens and he replied, "It's ok, I have a fetish for that sort of thing."
Instead, I drove down the street (Santa Monica BLVD. for those of you planning a trip to West Hollywood) and resolved to try another place. I was soon joined by a short Hispanic Male with an earring in the left ear. (I don't know the significance of an earring in the left ear I am just emphasizing it to entertain those of you in the audience. So be entertained.) He walked with me and offered to buy me a drink. I thanked him and told of my misadventures at I-Candy earlier than night. He replied, "Well, I think you are the eye candy."
I, of course, said "Umm, thanks I guess." I should have run screaming into the night, but good sense has never been one of my strong points apparently. I started to walk into a place called "Rage" with my new friend, Freddy, in tow but something stopped me. I couldn't place my finger on it but something was not right. Later, I would have realized that it was probably the fact that there were no women in the crowd on the patio, or the gigantic posters of half-naked men visible from the doorway. One of the two should have clued me in. Instead, Freddy and I went to the next place down. (I don't remember the name which is just as well since I probably shouldn't be giving gay and lesbian bars free advertising anyway.) I walked in and saw numerous females in attendance and entered gladly. I walked straight to the unisex restrooms and stood in line with two females for the two bathrooms. The restroom I used had an inoperative toilet which I warned the female in line behind me of the problem, to which she replied "It's OK". It was definitely not ok.
I returned to the bar where Freddy was waiting with the drink he promised me and asked him bluntly: "Are you hitting on me? Because I am not gay."
He replied, "You're not? Why do I always talk to the straight guys?" He further informed me that he assumed I was since everybody else in West Hollywood is. I returned to my hotel room much sadder and wiser that night. I was returning to my car lamenting out loud "What have I done to myself?" To which a passing gay male replied "I don't know, but the question is what would I do to you?"
The one good thing that came of the night is my interaction with a homeless man sleeping on the street who I bought a piece of cheese cake. You can find his picture here. it looks a little like an Impressionist painting.
So the moral of the story is: "Fly, it's cheaper." Driving anywhere with gas prices being what they are is sheer madness.

HAWAII!

YES! I am finally going!

Idaho's Adventures in La-La Land

My adventures in LA come to a close today. I am a little disappointed at some of the things I missed – the Hollywood sign, the LA nightlife, etc – but I did have a nice 5 mile run on Venice beach.
After the beach, I went straight to a restaurant/bar right next to the beach. I simply wiped the sand off my legs and threw on a shirt. While waiting for my food I met a Hollywood still photographer. He was friendly and invited me to come hang out.
I didn’t post any tantalizing pictures of Venice beach babes, because I didn’t want to be the one pervert on the beach sneaking up to unsuspecting women with my camera phone. Mostly, because the women were not unsuspecting; women eye single guys on the beach walking around like each male who passes could potentially be a rapist.
I did stare at this one woman and her husband more than common courtesy allowed because I thought she looked like Courtney Cox and he looked like David Arquette. Singly, I wouldn’t have made the connection to either one, probably because they were both a little out of shape and didn’t quite have that Hollywood body. But together, I began to wonder if somehow Courtney and David Arquette had simultaneously gone on binge diets. So I approached and asked and they weren’t. Too bad.

To Blog and Die in LA

I am not going to have time to explain the reference in the title because I am blogging with a scant 39 minutes of battery life in my laptop. I am definitely in LA now. I am a little surprised and disappointed because I expected the streets to be filled with beautiful people, but alas, the streets are not teeming with movie star potential.
I am holed up in a hotel in what I suspect is China Town or at least near it. The majority of the hotel staff are Asian and the rest are Hispanic. Fully half of the guests are Asian and speak something other than English. Strange...
Expect the moblogging to continue.

Blogging from the rest stop again

I am at the Donley County rest stop again blogging but this time I printed off directions to my location, Fairfield, California. The quality of the print is low but tolerable for my purposes. Other states should get with the program.

Neat Firefox trick

Here's a reason to download Firefox and dump Internet Explorer: RSS feeds. You can see an example of why Firefox is cool if you try this on a computer with Firefox installed. When you visit my page in Firefox look for the orange icon at the bottom right of the page. Clicking on the icon gives you the option of subscribing to my ATOM or RSS feed. Subscribing to my feed will add the blog to your bookmarks and allow you to browse new posts from your bookmarks folder. Cool huh?
You can also subscribe to my blog manuallyby going to "bookmarks" on the toolbar and clicking "manage bookmarks". Once there, click the "File" menu on the toolbar and select "New Live Bookmark". On the menu that pops up add "my website with this RSS feed url: http://feeds.feedburner.com/WhoIsIdahosaEdokpayi?format=usm.

Site maintenance

When I put in the new blog template, I neglected to put in the RSS and ATOM syndication. (Those of you with news readers know what I am talking about.) I also didn't bother to make sure that permalinks were working. (Permalinks are the permanent links to each blog post. This way users can link individual posts) I have fixed all that. Enjoy the improved interface!

Pretty people in ugly clothes

Just as Awful Plastic Surgery presents many pretty (or not so pretty) people with awful plastic surgery, Go Fug Yourself presents many of the same people in "fugly" clothes. "Fugly" is a slang term meaning "freaking ugly", well perhaps "freaking" is a little milder than the actual word but I am sure you understand. I think it is all hilarious. Check out the section devoted to Britney Spears.

I have a dirty mind

This ad I saw at a blog called the "Gothamist" made me double-take. I admit to keeping my mind in the gutter a significant portion of the day. But what would you think?

I'm Rachel Wacholder

I will Lay Out
For Every Last Ball

What was she thinking

Jennifer Connelly, movie star, recently said something interesting. I thought it was a publicist's job to keep stars from saying things like this:

I do like to read a book while having sex. And talk on the phone. You can get so much done. If the room’s dark enough, I like to do some online shopping

I saw the story at Huffington Post, a website so unerring and boringly elitist and liberal that I feel guilty for even linking to them.
The quote came from here. Maybe it's a hoax or maybe her husband, actor Paul Bettany, is even more embarassed than she is.

Email Forwards

Stuff that people would email to everyone in their address books, I just post on my blog. These videos made me laugh so hard, I snorted embarrassing little snot bubbles up. Ok, maybe I didn't laugh that hard but the videos are hilarious.
Gem Sweater is the first video, an inspired bit of hilarity about tacky clothing set to a beat.
Beat Dazzler is more of the same.

Photos of the Road Trip

I don't aspire to photojournalistic greatness since my photography technique is "fire and forget". Many of these photographs were taken from the Jetta at 70+ mph with the camera held in one hand and haphazardly aimed at items of interest. I like the pictures though and thought you might too. Check them out here.

Texas Rest Stops Are Cool

Rest stops in Texas have Wi Fi. How cool is that? The last picture in the mobolog is actually the rest stop I am posting from now.
I just drove 400+ miles I think I should go crash. (I meant sleep; not actually crashing my car!)

Double Secret Blog

There is a poster at Huffintgon Post who has a secret blog. He says everything I think about Huffington Post (admittedly I don't read it much). The delicious part about the whole thing is that he works for Huffington Post! I am sorry, I just love it when employees dish about their bosses.

Lend a Hand?

Liberal interest groups complain volubly about the war in Iraq but conveniently ignore the things they could do to help the people of Iraq. Why aren't more feminists talking about women's rights in Iraq? Why isn't the ACLU helping support an independent Iraqi judiciary? Why don't we hear more about humanitarian groups sending their support?
I know it is dangerous - I was there. But you don't have to be there to help. Many American troops would be glad to do certain tasks and there are surprisingly many relatively safe areas that humanitarian groups could work from. Put your money wear your mouth is.
Christopher Hitchens had this idea first and argues more effectively than I have in an article at Slate.com.

Female Army Captains win Beauty pageants

Two female Army captains won the Mrs. Texas International and Mrs. Virginia America pageants. And they said that all the pretty girls joined the Air Force.
http://www4.army.mil/ocpa/print.php?story_id_key=7696

Burn! Hollywood Burn!

There are certain people who are worried about Hollywood being in a "Death Spiral". Do I think that Hollywood is in danger? Yes. Am I worried? (Insert R rated expletive here) No! Nothing would make me happier than Hollywood crashing and burning like the Hindenburg blimp. In fact, I think we should help it along. The article in Slate outlines the problem and a few possible solutions or stop gaps to keep Hollywood's aging business model on life support. I would like to outline a possible sabotage tactic.
The danger Hollywood is in is self-imposed. First-run movies are in trouble because DVD's are sold so soon after the movie premieres. Hollywood used to have a 6 month moratorium on video sales after a movie premiered. DVD's and specifically children's DVD's changed that. Now studios often target peak retail periods by releasing movies to the home video market as soon as 3 months after a box officer premiere, robbing the box office of vital dollars. The studio makes more money overall but at the expense of their movie distribution departments and the major movie theater chains. The major movie studios cannibalized the box office market for a quick buck. Now the major studios fear that their treasured box office is in jeopardy. WHO CARES!
I think a small but determined group of movie-goers could push the situation over the brink with one simple rule: Never see a movie in the first week. Studios depend on huge blockblusters with ridiculously profitable opening days to make money. I don't have specific numbers but I am willing to venture that 50% of a movie's box office gross comes in the first week and much of that in the first day. If the studios were denied that initial influx of profit they would likely panic. Movie-goers could continue all their usual purchasing habits and the studio executives would still stagger out of their high-rise offices in consternation.
The fear in major studios circles is that the demise of the box office would damage marketing and promotion. Studios believe that even the home video market is dependent on the box office to promote the DVD's they sell. I think anything that undermines the movie industry as it stands now is a healthy thing. I for one am already standing breathlessly, waiting in line for the next "Austin Powers" sequel and I think that the executive who greenlighted the project "Dude, Seriously Where is my Car" deserves recognition for his daring and genius.
I just need to come up with a way to spread my idea. I have ideas though...
Here is the first part of the article about the "Hollywood Death Spiral" and here is Part 2.

Check out my car!

This is my car!

Guerilla War Negotiation Tactics Guide to Buying a Used Car

I recently bought a used car and I want to gloat about the great deal I got. I also want to share some of the techniques I used to get that great deal. I want to note two things before I begin: I would never buy a new car. New cars are terrible investments because of the immediate depreciation. I hate owning something that isn't worth what I am paying. New cars do have a slight reliability advantage (warranty) and come with that new car smell. Someday when I have too much money to care if I waste a little I'll start buying new cars. Most likely, I'll be too old to enjoy my purchase, and will be buying tiny red sports cars to boost my sagging ego. Second, I would never buy a car outright with cash because if I had that much money to spend, it would probably be best spent elsewhere. (A down payment on a house for instance)

1. Plan your Attack: Those of you who read this blog know that I recently returned from Iraq. The austere living conditions allowed me plenty of time to think and I was able to spend this time thinking about what I would do when I returned. I used the extra money I was earning at the time to pay of some old credit card bills I accrued in college and I managed to save up a little money. I even loaned my brother some money to pay tuition at college. (I am not however an angel, I spent the majority of the rest of the money on DVD's, XBox games, and expensive designer clothes. A shout out to my favorite online retailers Amazon, Bluefly, Levis, The Gap, and Figleaves. I should own stock in those companies considering how much I have meant to their bottom line.) Having good (well ok, fair) credit and a large down payment widen your options and allow you to operate from a position of strength.
2. Decide what you want: It is helpful to know what one is looking for in a car in terms of performance, gas mileage, price, mileage, etc before arriving at the dealership. One can quickly eliminate most of the cars on the lot and concentrate on just the ones you want. It is even more helpful to have a make and model already picked out. Even if you don't purchase the Porsche 911 you had your heart set on, the dealer can still get you a sweet deal on a car just like it since he has a good idea of what you like.
3. Take advantage of the kindness of strangers: Dealers offer various enticements to get you into the dealership. Take everything you can. I am not sure how eating free pizza or bumming a ride from employees of the dealership helped me buy a car but I had fun doing it.
4. Have no loyalty: If you have an existing relationship with lenders or dealers by all means take advantage, but you shouldn't hesitate to bolt if you can find a better deal.
5. Arrange financing beforehand: I lucked out on this one (because I didn't do it!) but knowing where the money is being borrowed from is an important part of negotiating from a position of strength.
6. Realize that your smiling salesman/saleswoman is probably a scumbag: If you trust the dealer and his sales staff too much they will take advantage. They have to. Sales personnel only make money when you buy a car and will do everything they can to sell you one. Dealerships are looking to maximize profits on every car sold and have no qualms about making a buck off of an unsuspecting customer. Besides, you should be intensely suspicious of someone who is always smiling. Especially, if his smile reminds you of a shark.
7. Do research: I got an assist on my brother on this one, but doing research will give you a definite leg up in negotiations since the dealer will have more difficulty swindling you of your hard earned money with bogus claims about the lemon sitting in his lot. The internet is critical for this since it is a large repository of impartial (ok maybe not impartial but at least you didn't get it from the dealer) observations about cars. You will want to compare prices for vehicles with similar mileage and age.
8. Take a friend or at least a cell phone: It is great to have a friend to play devil's advocate. When negotiating stop at intervals to go confer with your friend. Even if you are just discussing baseball, the sales personnel will get nervous and feel pressured to sweeten the deal. Your friend can interject at inopportune moments with comments like "I saw that car for a grand less at the dealership next door. I think we should leave." What can be even more effective is bringing a cell phone along. When negotiating terms for purchasing my car, I would call my brother up to confirm details the salesman gave me and compare prices. I even had him pay for a twenty-five dollar membership at Carfax.com so I could check the history of a car I was considering. The salesman actually thought I was talking to another dealership when I would call him to compare prices; I should have let him continue to think that.
9. Comparison shop: Once you zero in on the car you want, you will want to know if you can get a better deal elsewhere. There will almost always be a car with a lower price somewhere else. You can try this gambit: Choose the cheapest car you you can find within 25 mi. Of your zipcode on Autotrader.com. There will most likely be car several thousand dollars cheaper than the one you are looking at. This car will most likely be a lemon. That is fine. You can still use it as leverage during negotiations. The dealer most likely will suspect that the car is a lemon too and try to dissuade you from considering the cheaper car on these grounds. Make a show of checking out the car (Carfax.com!) and reporting that there is nothing wrong with it. Remember that just because you check a car on Carfax doesn't mean it can't be a lemon. Cars often have serious problems that go unreported. (A friend told me that one important thing to check for is rust. Have the dealer raise the bottom of the car so you can inspect the underbelly for rust). If the cheaper car is not a lemon and the dealer is reputable you can always save time by just buying the cheaper car. Or if you are a sadist like me and like to see grown men and women squirm you can wait around longer and continue negotiations. The object of any negotiations with a dealer should be to find the lowest price he can sell to you for. Your offers should be realistic but low enough to force a favorable compromise. Start with the price of your lemon or a random lowball offer and work up slowly. Ignore the sales personnel's petty tricks; my sales man tried to sneak a higher offer by me by offering a proposed deal that included monthly payments but omitted the most important detail - the overall price.
10. Be unconventional: Dealers resort to cheap theatrics all the time. Do not be afraid to use some of your own. I walked off the lot during negotiations no less than three times. I yakked on my cell phone to my brother about car prices in full view of the sales staff. I used a car with bald tires, a beat up paint job, and a rusted underbelly to force them to lower their asking price. I had fun doing it too.
11. Be ruthless: Negotiating to buy a car is like negotiating a peace treaty with the North Koreans. Neither side really trusts the other and has good reasons not to. You shouldn't feel bad about hardball negotiating tactics as long as you do not do anything overtly dishonest or illegal. The dealer is doing the same thing you are. All is fair and love and war; guerilla warfare and used car negotiaions are the worst.
12. Have fun: If I thought I could get away with it, I would sell the Jetta and buy a new car everyday. Just don't start gloating until you leave the parking lot. Car dealerships look askance at people doing victory dances in the back of someone else's pickup truck.

Have leave form will travel

I can't say with absolute certainty due to security restrictions on military space available travel but I am going to be sitting on a beach in Hawaii very soon.

MoBlogging!

I am a moblogger now! There might be a SNAFU with the picture, but I do have a camera phone from which I can post pictures.

I am home!

It's great to be home. I was unable to locate anywhere to logon the internet but I did locate the local club scene. I have been busily partying since Friday when I got off the plane. The 1-503D landed in Colorado Springs Friday morning and landed on the police blotter that night. Our battalion did manage to avoid the dreaded DUI so we were somewhat well behaved.
Our reception in Colorado Springs has been overwhelming. The local populace is very knowledgeable about the military and knows which units are being re-deployed to Fort Carson. They also know that we spent a year in Korea before that. The local merchants have extended discounts on clothes and various consumer goods for our benefit. The local female population has even made efforts to embrace the returning soldier. We are very happy.
I am going to be on the move again either Friday or Monday. I am hoping to be in Hawaii in a week. Have fun folks.

Geeking out

Check out the new periodic table! Ain't it cool?

May I speak freely?

I am no longer constrained (much) by the rules of OPSEC because well there is nothing really happening.
I am in Kuwait (as I say that I cringe reflexively because of a year of OPSEC rules)and AAFES (Army, Air Force Exchange Service) scheduled a bazaar in the camp that the 1-503D has taken up temporary residence in. I walked in out of curiosity and was accosted by several vendors. There are few things more surreal or laugh inducing than being told by a bearded, un-hip-looking Arab man to "Hook it up Dog! Check it out!" I did my best not collapse into an avalanche of giggles.
Iraq was hot this time of year, but the heat in Kuwait lies at the threshold of tolerability. Hell must be especially close to the surface in this part of the world. Home (or at least Colorado) is so close at this point that I might just explode.
By the way, for those of you planning to grow human brains in chimpanzees here is an article in the NY Times with some handy ethical guidelines.

An environment of pain, suffering, and violence

I motivate myself with self abuse when I work out. I scream, grunt, and curse. I like loud music when I lift weights. I am trying to create an environment of pain, suffering, and violence when I work out. It works pretty well for me. Working out is usually a social activity but for me perhaps, exercise should be a solitary activity.
I was in the weight room the other day trying to motivate myself between sets and began talking to myself: "You said you wanted to step up the ************* intensity, so step it up!"
I thought I was speaking under my breath but the opened-mouth stare of a man just a few feet from me told me otherwise. I immediately explained between laughs that I was talking to myself and meant no offense. I suppose I was lucky he wasn't bigger.

Chillin'

I make a point of not talking about what goes on in Iraq to the point of paranoia. I also realize that many of the people who read this website have ways of getting this information without me. So most of you know what it is that I am not talking about. So I don't even need to talk about whatever it is that I am not talking about, and... this is getting tiresome. Just check your email for crying out loud! (A good place to find things I don't talk about are at Ryan Kirk's blog and at the Family readiness page)
There are those in my platoon who have been visiting my website from time to time and directing others to visit. I think they might be a little disappointed in what they find or don't find on the blog. For instance, there are no pictures here! Imagine that. Have fun reading.
As the title suggests, I am just chillin'. Just a little longer...

Male Badunkadunk

Long time ago, when Napster was cool, I downloaded an MP3 called "Britney Curses". Indeed, it did have Britney Spears cursing up a blue streak backstage with her mother before a concert. The funniest thing about the audio clip though was not the profanity, it was Britney's chagrin at her inability to fit into a pair of pants: "These pants are too small, I grew!"
Well, I am not laughing now, since I have the same problem. I've been lifting weights and doing squats and lunges as if they were going out of style for a while now and I have seen results all over. The one result I didn't see was in the back, especially since I never look at that.
So now I've got "Ghetto Booty" so bad that my platoon sergeant gave me all his extra large PT shorts so people would stop staring. The truth is I don't care if people stare. Of course, I would be happier if they were female but attention can be used to advantage.

Tooting My Own Horn and other topics

I was on a vehicle convoy today with my eyes fixed on the road when my mind began to wander. Minds do tend to wander when driving through Iraqi sandstorms. I should have my own list of public appearances like actors do at imdb.com. So, here is my lists of public appearances:

• 1999? I appeared in a piece done by a local news station (Channel 4? I think the station is now Channel 11 or most likely I just remember wrong) about the supposed danger of drinking Mountain Dew. Broadcasters interviewed various University of Texas at Dallas students about what they knew about Mountain Dew.
• Fall/Winter 2003. I appeared in a segment CNN did on the 91W "Combat Medic" at Fort Sam Houston. The rest of my time at Fort Sam Houston, I was known as the "star" for my CNN interview even though in the actual segment that was broadcast, I say nothing during the interview and when I do speak it is only to shout "Move! Let's move!" at my team as we struggled through a patrol during a field exercise.
• June 2004. I made a radio appearance on "The Edge" morning show in Dallas. I did get on the show through rather dubious circumstances, but it never ceases to amaze me how comfortable complete strangers feel about laughing at me. I suppose it doesn't help that most of the time I am laughing too.

I also sang the national anthem in a smallish group in Basic Training for Family Day. That was actually a lot of fun since most of the choir failed to show up but the people who did (excluding me most likely) had really great voices. We rocked the house in front of thousands of parents, friends, and family.

I sang the national anthem again in AIT at the change of command ceremony and at graduation. The first time the group was so polished and powerful that I felt out of place singing along. I kept wondering when someone was going to walk up and say "Ya'll sound great, but Edokpayi..." We didn't sound as good at graduation, mostly because key members of the group were missing. (Radka, buddy where are you?) Also, I know for a fact that I sounded terrible that day since I was nursing a nasty cold which became a full blown case of influenza as soon as I got home. I also really didn't care how I sounded since I was going home the same day.

I also sang in the choir and did numerous skits in church, back when I actually still attended church regularly and not just the chaplain's meetings so I could tell my mom I went. I was told that I was actually quite funny. Now when I get the urge to perform, I tell the other medics a few jokes and they tell me that I have a day job for good reason and I should never quit.

In other news, Backstreet is Back! This not good news. Why, you ask? I'll tell you why. As a male who listened to more Backstreet back in the day than he'd care to admit, I have less room to talk then most, but I think Backstreet should make room for new pop acts. Pop music is designed to be disposable. If a band aims to be something more, fine. But, lets face it Backstreet was never really anything more than bubble gum music for the kids, or a guilty pleasure for adults. No matter how tunefully, or soulfully they sing, the Backstreet Boys are still singing meaningless love songs aimed directly at teenage angst. The problem is that pop stars used to fade into obscurity or grow up. Now because of the amount of money they earn and the amount of money they could earn they have incentive to do neither. What they are doing is waiting until the kids who originally listened to them have grown up and moved on. When the old fans have grown up they target the next generation. Guess what? If you were fifteen in 1998 and listened to the Backstreet Boys, they probably don't want you back. They're after your younger sister, who now buys more CD's than you do and still has the ability to lead your parents around by the purse strings. Such is life.

Camminati I hope you're reading!

Independence Day In Iraq!

Have a safe and happy Independence Day! I did if you leave the "safe and happy" part out.

Freedom isn't Free, especially if you are poor

Something that annoys many soldiers is how a certain class of people seem to be oblivious to the fact their countrymen are fighting and dying. Oh when they see you in person, they seem concerned enough, but not enough to fight themselves or do anything about the war.
There is a group of people, a warrior class, who serve, who fight, and who die. Their parents sacrificed, their children join the military, and they even meet their spouses in the service. The problem is that the military can't meet recruiting goals just by recruiting these people and their children. People say they support the troops and send care packages, but the support we need most they won't provide.
It seems to me that freedom isn't free unless you are rich enough to not care.

Where my money goes

Even when I am not stranded in a desert, I spend an inordinate amount of time online. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't spend money online, but I do - in bundles. I spent $400 this week at bluefly.com . Why? I really wanted those Dolce & Gabbanna jeans. I don't even really need more jeans, or sweaters for that matter, which is the what I spent the other $300 or so dollars on. I am already buying fall clothes when all I wear is desert camoflauge and it's 100+ degrees outside! I think I might need counseling.
Don't even get me started on Amazon. I've spent so much money there that I should own stock. What's worse is that I primarily order DVD's, and I really only ever watch them once. Sad. Even used, I think I would need to watch the DVD at least four times to get a decent return on investment. Luckily for my financial well-being, I have temporarily kicked the Amazon habit. I can't order any more DVD's since my time in Iraq grows short.
By the way, bluefly.com has a fashion blog, flypaper, that's diverting in a catty fashionista sort of way. I visit every so often even though I am never sure why.

More Introspective Claptrap

I was navel-gazing recently and I realized that there was one aspect of my trip home that I didn't enjoy as much as I could have - the never ending quest for female companionship. I didn't miss out completely now, but I think I could have done better.
Like most males my age, I primarily seek out shallow, short lived relationships with women. There are men that are happy with that. I don't know that I can be. Men brag about the number of women they are seeing and how beautiful all their potential mates are, but I don't think that men honestly place that much importance on a woman's physical attractiveness. What men do consider to be important is their status in the eyes of other men. Men seek approval from other men of the women they date. There are women that many men would be perfectly happy with if not for fear of the disapproval of their friends.
My argument is an oversimplification, the reasons men seek out beautiful women are slightly more complex than what I have said, but I think that peer pressure is out there. Men put their friends under pressure to meet girls and meet only girls that they approve of.
I also think that another problem is that approaching a woman for a one night stand is easier than trying to find long term intimacy. Seriously, I could see myself approaching a women and saying casually "I think you and me should hit the hay." (and given my charm and shattering good looks women just might say "ok!") How do you ask for a meaningful, longlasting relationship and where do you find girls who want the same? I can't exactly see myself approaching a woman and saying, "I think you and I should have a meaningful, longlasting relationship."
Then of course, it isn't like my lifestyle is conducive to meeting girls in the first place. Women don't seem to like it when you only come around two weeks every year.
I am seriously amazed that anybody ever gets married.

Talking and not saying anything

I am going to continue this blog's habit of studiously avoiding saying anything substantive about what it is that happens here in Iraq, but oblique hints at upcoming events will start appearing at alarming frequency.
For instance, there is the subject of my upcoming return to "The land of the Free and the Home of the Brave", as opposed to the "Land of the Scared and the Home of the Enslaved" where I am currently residing. The 1-503D INF REGT is coming home to state the issue baldly. I just can't say when exactly, but I will point out that we arrived last year in August and the majority of combat tours in the Army last approximately a year. When you also consider the fact that (unsubstantiated by any official statistics) that the 1-503D has suffered the most casualties of any similar sized element in the military, you might think that my colleagues and I deserve a little break.
The problem of course is that nothing I say is official, and the Army reserves the right to do anything they feel is necessary. For example, tomorrow the Department of the Army might find it necessary to send this blogger for a one year tour in Antartica, where medics are desperately needed. It is entirely within the realm of possibility.
If compromised, I will deny all knowledge of this communication and this blog will self-destruct.

The Quest to Look Better Naked

I am not starting any new fitness challenges, but I am looking to get in super condition for my trip to Hawaii and after that Las Vegas. All the women I met who cared to comment were very appreciative of the work I did before my visit to Dallas. However, that is no longer enough. I have to look better next time. I didn't measure, but I am pretty sure that I failed to meet my target waist measurement of 32". I am also short of my target max bench press, 300 lbs. There is a workout I saw in "Men's Health" that I wanted to try but required the purchase or acquisition of Chuck Taylor All Star's. I would have gotten them while I was home but I was too busy making sure that all the women in sight were able to fully enjoy all the work I had done in the gym. They at least knew they had the option, anyhow.
It's not just about impressing the ladies now either. It's become a competition. With my unit's time in Iraq coming to and end, other soldiers are working out also and one must maintain bragging rights in the weight room. I came back and heard stories of how other medics have suddenly started bench pressing 300 lbs out of the clear blue. Clearly, a great deal of pride is at stake. So I return to the gym with increased intensity. Besides, it not like there is anything better to do. The one good thing about being in bored in Iraq, is that it has a handy side benefit - one often ends up looking really great naked.

Love and innocence

The thing that surprises me most about myself, that even with my limited experience with relationships with the opposite sex, I have already lost my ability to fall in love innocently. I already distrust women so much that I am unable to give myself completely to a woman just because it feels right. I will never experience "love at first sight". It's a shame that young people have already experienced or witnessed so many dysfunctional relationships by the time they are the marrying age that marriage looks distasteful.
I suppose it all goes back to what I did while I was home and dissatisfaction with my lack of female companionship. I had fun, don't get me wrong, but when I blame the transience of my relationships with women on my transient lifestyle I get the feeling that I am copping out. It's not that I don't want more than a one night stand or passing friendship. I just don't know how to go about getting more. I don't know how to ask for it.

The Texas I-35 Party tour

Should you ever find yourself in Texas, you might wonder what there is to see and do after 10 pm. I was in Texas a week ago and I wondered the same thing. I did extensive research and the following post is a summary of my findings. Houston was not included to save time and gas, the other three major cities in Texas are all accessible from I-35. Houston is a side trip I'll save for another time.
I'll start with Dallas. The night life in Dallas doesn't start until Tuesday, although I suppose one could find a cozy little meet-market in Addison off the Dallas North Tollway Monday night. Tuesday nights are beach volleyball league night at Jack's Pub on Hall St. off I-75 in the Uptown neighborhood. I would go to ogle the pretty girls in beach volleyball wear and drink beer. Girls could come to scope out the shirtless men in board shorts. The volleyball is just an excuse.
Wednesday night means Carson's Live in Addison at Trinity Mills and the Tollway in Addison or Cowboy's in Arlington at 360 and Abrams. Carson's has a weekly beauty pageant involving women in bikinis and evening wear. Cowboy's has a raucous college night and various contests involving half-dressed college age contestants.
Thursday and Friday nights were a crapshoot for me. The second week I was in town, I partied in Austin and San Antonio on those nights. I hear Deep Ellum (take 75 south into downtown and take the Live Oak exit west) isn't bad on Friday. The first Thursday I went to this place called Uropa in Deep Ellum. My experience there got off on the wrong foot when an underage hottie tried to seduce me into buying her and a girlfriend rum and coke. Moral dilemmas do not a good evening make. The wet t-shirt contest helped a little though.
Saturday nights, social climbers should make their way to a place called the Obar. Supposedly, that is where DFW's social elite go to see and be seen. I went with some new friends I made and drank myself under the bar. I did notice that the crowd there is of the fashion model look-a-like variety. I saw a lot of exceeding tall people in expensive clothing.
Once party-goers tire of Dallas night life they should jump in their rental car (but only after an appropriate interval to allow their hangover to subside) and make their way to Austin. On the way, I recommend a pit stop in Hillsboro, TX and the Lone Star Cafe. Lone Star Cafe is a chain restaurant in Texas with an open bar and down home cooking. I especially recommend the cheese cake chimichangas. Once in Austin, astute party people should stay in the Super-Eight motel nearly directly across I-35 from Sixth Street. The motel is not only within walking distance of the "Live Music Capital" of the nation; it's cheap too. I have to admit that I don't frequent Austin's live music venues when I visit. I am more interested in the fact that Austin residents supposedly consume more alcohol in public then any other city in the country. (I got that tidbit from a popular men's magazine, my limited personal experience does support the fact that Austin drinks more than any town I've seen) I go to Austin to hit on the drunken college girls.
The only reason San Antonio isn't the best place to party in Texas is that Austin is an hour and half north. The River Walk is lined with pubs and clubs with enough variety to please the youthful population of military personnel and college students. The local industry is "hospitality". My favorite place to go in town is Polly Esther's.
Sunday night party people should perhaps try to sleep off their hangovers. Or one could see if Club Babalu (McKinney Ave in Dallas's Uptown neighborhood) is still the best place to salsa in DFW. I leave the choice up to you.

Party like a sailor on leave

I used the word "sailor" in the title but soldiers party hard too. Which is what I have been doing. Leave has been great, to sum it up without getting into detail.
At this moment I am in San Antonio after visiting Fort Sam Houston for old time's sake. I discovered that they actually have the video of my interview with CNN - if you can even call it that. Two years ago, when I was in AIT, CNN produced a segment on 91W, my MOS. The Army has always had medics, but 91W was a new MOS designation made from a combination of two of the old MOS's, 91B and 91C. 91B were "combat medics" - they were always assigned to combat units. 91C worked exclusively in clinics and hospitals. The Army reorganized them both into one MOS and called everybody "combat medics" (the official language is "Healthcare specialist").
So one day in class, CNN showed up with camera crews and started asking questions. Another soldier and I stayed behind to answer a few more questions. The Command Sergeant Major of MEDCOM, the highest ranking enlisted soldier in the medical field, was on hand watching and was so impressed that she gave both of us her "challenge coin". CNN came back later and shot footage of me leading other soldiers on a patrol during our one week field exercise.
In the actual video, I don't say anything other than "Move! Lets move!" But I look cool doing it.

Congressional meddling with military matters

It often surprises me how far from reality the people in charge are from the day to day reality of running the military. By the phrase "people in charge" I mean Congress and by "day to day reality" I mean the fact that the Army isn't doing so well in recruitment. Despite the known difficulty the Army is having recruiting new soldiers Congress wants to pass a law limiting the role of women in combat.
I take no stance on whether women should be allowed in combat (right now). What I am taking a stance on is the practical matter of having enough soldiers. Congress wants to exclude women from a host of "combat" roles and prevent women from being assigned to anything smaller than a brigade sized element (if my admittedly hasty reading of the news is correct). I get my news from week old newspapers so this calamity may have already come to pass but I want to everybody reading that women are mission critical tactical assets. The only way for us to have enough soldiers is if women shoulder a large portion of the load. Without getting into specific numbers on troop strength, suffice it to say that entire battalion sized elements (approximately 700 troops) would have to be drastically restructured.
The legislation must not be allowed to pass.
Besides we like having women around. Can you blame us?

Today is the day

The only way I could be more excited is if I was getting married. I go on leave today and I am practically on cloud nine.
I'll post an after picture for the 1000 crunch challenge ASAP. I did crunches with near religious fervor for twenty days, but I don't know if there is a visible difference. However, my abdomen is very strong now.
Happy trails!

3 Days...

If I don't leave this place soon, I think I shall go stark raving mad. I am excited, elated, and ebullient when I think of leave. I am also becoming increasingly desperate. Perhaps my state of mind is my own fault but it seems that the stress is almost always worse right before it is going to be relieved. I mentioned that "amazing things" were taking place here in Iraq. Well "amazing" work can cause stress.
I need a vacation. A year long vacation. 14 days will have to do.

I hate OPSEC

We are doing some really amazing things out here. And by "we" I mean other people while I stand by with my mouth agape watching. The problem is that I don't dare mention specifics now. I mean amazing things are happening and I don't even feel comfortable telling my Mom over the phone.

Eight days!

I started this post just before midnight my time and it was going to be titled "Nine Days!" I was also going to say something cute about this being the story of a girl who looked so sad in photographs... (No cool points for naming this band, it's too easy.)
Let us talk of something else other than my impending arrival in the states.(eight days! I mean eight days! Are you excited? Can you tell I am excited?) We could discuss bioethics, for instance.
Scientists in South Korea (familiar territory for me) have recently discovered ways to speed creation of stem cells. These men and women have opened up the biggest can of worms in science today. Stem cell research on new stem cell lines has been banned in the United States. To understand the debate you must understand what stem cells are and their huge potential. My definition is taken from the National Institute of Health's website.

Stem cells have the remarkable potential to develop into many different cell types in the body. Serving as a sort of repair system for the body, they can theoretically divide without limit to replenish other cells as long as the person or animal is still alive. When a stem cell divides, each new cell has the potential to either remain a stem cell or become another type of cell with a more specialized function, such as a muscle cell, a red blood cell, or a brain cell.

In layman's terms that means that means that stem cells are magic. In effect, scientists hope to one day make little pills or an injection that would heal injuries like Wolverine does in comic books. Really. Stem cells are of special interest to people with damage to their central nervous system - Parkinson's disease, spinal cord injuries, etc - because ordinarily nerve cells never grow back. Scientists hope that stem cells can grow to replace any cell in the body.
The problem with stem cell research is that to collect stem cells you usually have to destroy an embryo to do so. If you believe that abortion is ok, then by all means destroy away. However, if you believe that abortion is evil, heinous, wicked, and just a plain wrong thing to do, destroying embryos would definitely leave you with a guilty conscience. (I happen to think that abortion is wrong.)
The policy of allowing no stem cell research to be conducted on new cells was great for keeping me and the abortion crowd happy - no tiny babies were harmed by our drug - but stifled promising research - Christopher Reeves couldn't get doctors to grow him a new spinal cord in a test tube.
The technique used by the South Korean scientists could raise some other interesting issues as well. A cursory glance at the article makes me think that the Koreans did something that looks suspiciously like cloning. They created embryos that were a "genetic match" from skin cells and donor egg cells with no DNA information. Sounds like cloning to me, but I am not a geneticist or even a biologist. The scientists involved ruled out any possibility of cloning humans, noting that animal trials yielded more failures than successes. As a rule, most people are against human cloning; however, in unscrupulous hands, who is to say that it couldn't be done?
So do we allow the research? What's wrong and right in this situation? I am of the belief that evil never begets good. Well intentioned evil is still evil - one should never do something wrong in the process of doing a good thing. But in the face of what stem cells could do for mankind... I really want to close my eyes and say "Destroy those babies!" Luckily, I am not in charge.
No tiny babies were harmed in the making of this blog.

Freak Dancing and the finer points thereof

I am going on leave soon and as a male of a certain age and certain inclinations I like to hit the dance floor on Friday and Saturday nights and my mind has begun to dwell on the topic of "freak dancing". If you don't know what freak dancing is you need to watch "Beauty Shop"and fast forward to the scene with Alicia Silverstone dancing in it. The only thing I have to say in reference to that scene is "Whoa".
Watching Silverstone's performance brought back many fond memories for me. There was the time in AIT with the drunk soldier who handled the family jewels after telling me that she thought I was "too cool"; as a substitute teacher when I caught two students freak dancing in the back of the class; and on spring break once with this one girl who had a special gift for the freak dance (I don't know how to describe it in a PG-13 way other than to say OH MY GOD).
Honestly, freak dancing is simulated sex on the dance floor. I totally understand why so many people are so strongly against freak dancing. A cursory google search brings up some interesting stories: Public High schools banning freak dancing, concerned feminists speaking out against overtly sexual dances, and rebellious teens organizing semi-orgiastic unchaperoned dance parties. Shoot, in Waco, Texas, Baylor University had banned all forms of dancing until recently. Now, they only disallow lewd gyrations.
Well, in 19 days I hope to do some "lewd gyrations" of my own.

1000 crunch challenge

I was reading Muscle and Fitness magazine the other day and I saw an interview with Ryan Reynolds about the training he did to get in shape for Blade Trinity and he said that he did 1000-1250 crunches or crunch variations every day. I don't know if you have seen the movie and I can't find any pictures of his midsection but the dude is jacked. I am jealous. I mean even scrawny comedians are in better shape than I am. What the...?
I have 20 days till I go home on leave and every day until I leave I am going to do 1000 crunch or crunch variations. So there. Before and after's will be posted at A Thousand Words.

Behold the competition.

Saddam's lobbyist is dead

Edward von Kloberg III used to do some lobbying work for the world's leading despots including yours and my favorite dictator, Saddam Hussein. He leaped to his death from a window in a castle in Europe.

You might be a POG

Civilians tend to think everybody in the military leads a rough life and spread their sympathy accordingly. I am here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. The military can easily be separated into two groups of people: "grunts" and "pogs". Grunts hate pogs and pogs despise grunts. Grunts think that pogs are silly and weak; pogs think that grunts stupid and brutish. Neither group is entirely right.
Grunts lead lives that lend credence to the quote by Thomas Hobbes:

The life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.

Grunts generally hold combat MOS's (Military Occupational Specialty) and tend to absorb the majority of casualties. Usually grunts are infantry. I have lived with grunts and have been an honorary grunt for a while. Being a grunt sucks. No, you simply don't understand, being a grunt sucks. Grunts stink, fart, curse, tell inappropriate sexual jokes, and did I mention they stink? There is a reason for the smell and the cursing - life as a grunt can be unbelievably hard. Grunts have an incredible capacity for suffering. Grunts will go without food, sleep, and water for hours. I have personally known grunts who were unable to shower for three months due to their living conditions. Grunts improvise - grunts don't need toilet paper, they'll wipe with strips cut from their t-shirts; grunts can fix anything with duct tape and a pocket knife; grunts make modern war possible.
Pogs exist to make the grunt's job possible. Pogs ferry supplies, provide medical care, handle communications - just about everything other than shooting people. Pogs live in comparative luxury and safety. Pogs will often wear civilian clothes in a combat zone; or at the other extreme, will enforce strict military disciplines normally reserved for garrison like the ironing of uniforms or organized physical training. (We don't dare gather for organized PT here. If a mortar were to strike at the instant we chose to do PT an entire platoon could be disabled. If that were to happen to the medics who would treat us?) Pogs have no conception of what real combat is. Pogs are necessary but often annoying to the grunt.
Pogs dominate the military. In fact, there are entire branches of the service filled with nothing but pogs - like the Air Force or Navy for instance. It's hard to be a grunt from the safety of an aircraft carrier or an air base. Pogs should be happy with what they are, they are the true face of the modern military. For whatever reason, pogs don't like to acknowledge what they are and their purpose in life. I am going to help them. The following is a set of warning signs to let the reader know if he/she is a pog. (Good chances are if the reader is a "she" she's a pog. It's not prejudice, females aren't allowed in combat... Yet.)
You might be a pog if you never leave the front gate. You might be a pog if you've been using porcelain toilets the past year. (The world is a grunt's toilet) You might be a pog if you take a hot shower every day. You might be a pog if you have a Combat Infantry Badge or a Combat Medical Badge sewn on when you haven't left Iraq yet.(Combat Infantry Badge, abbreviated CIB, is the badge that infantry men wear when they have seen combat, been shot at. The Combat Medical Badge, abbreviated CMB, is what medics wear when they provide treatment under fire. Other MOS's should get their own badges.) You might be a pog if you actually live within walking distance of a tailor shop. You might be a pog if you are neither a medic or an infantry man and you have a CIB/CMB sewn on. You might be a pog if you really care that much about the wearing the badge in the first place. You might be a pog if you eat catered meals in an air conditioned tent everyday. You are a pog if you iron your uniform in Iraq. (Sorry, but you are.) You are a pog if you have never had a bloodstain on your uniform. You are a pog if you never get dirty. (Even our Battalion Commander gets dirty out here.) You might be a pog if you are not suffering from combat stress. You might be a pog if you actually go to therapy for your combat stress. (Grunts like to think of themselves as strong silent types.) You might be a pog if this post offends you. In fact, you might be a pog if you are reading this - grunts only get online to check email and look at half naked women.
*Disclaimer: Pogs are great people who handle a million different things and make the military go; their only problem is that they think they are grunts. I only seek to promote greater understanding between the two factions.

Possible mozilla fix

Thanks to Ryan, I think the problems for Mozilla based browsers are gone. For most of you that means nothing. For the others well, let me know if it works.

Advanced minds in primitive bodies

I reserve the right on this blog to post random things from time to time and this post is one of those random things. I can never be "off topic" since there is no topic.
I was on guard today when I had an epiphany. I don't have epiphanies often but I have guard often and guard affords one time to think. I mean what else are you going to do when you are in a guard tower alone for hours at a time? (Well, there are other things but we can discuss that at a later time.)
I think many of the problems of modern society are directly related to the fact that basic human physiology was designed to survive primitive conditions. The traits that enabled man to survive primitive conditions can go haywire when faced with modern life.
For instance, consider obesity. I believe that the reason so many Americans are fat is that the human species original primitive instinct was to eat everything fat and sweet in sight. Fats and sugars are easy calories - they provide the most calories for the least effort. Assume that humans commonly lived through famines; individuals that maximized their caloric intake were most likely to survive. The easiest way to maximize caloric intake is eat nothing but fat and sugar. The logical thing for primitive man to do was to love the taste of fat and sugar. In modern times, gorging oneself on fat and sugar isn't the healthiest thing to do; but now you can blame your primitive ancestors for your sweet tooth.
Primitive brains lead people astray when it comes to sexual differences also. There is a theory that women only developed prominent mammary glands when humans began walking upright. Before, men were drawn to the curve of the female buttocks from behind. When humans began walking upright, the buttocks were no longer at eye level. Women began attracting their mates with enlarged mammary glands that looked like buttocks in front. To this day, the average male cannot distinguish a butt crack from cleavage. Something to think about when donning low cut attire. I'd also like to say that when a man leers at a woman's bosom, he is only succumbing to the instincts that kept him alive in primordial days.
I could go on, but I'd probably lose my female audience.
Why is any of this relevant to my situation? Why was I thinking about any of this? Life in the 1-503D was pretty primitive for a while. I think even cave men bathed more and ate better than we did for a while. Also, a man's ideas about sex tend to regress in the absence of women.
*Disclaimer: I don't believe in evolution but I think that evolutionary theory provides a useful framework for thinking about the development of living organisms. Most of my ideas came from theories having their basis in evolution.

More pictures

New pictures on A Thousand Words.

Template Problems

As many of you know I recently changed the blog template and my apologies go out to those who surf the web with Netscape, Firefox, or any Mozilla based browser. Especially since you can't read what I just wrote. Sorry, I am working on fixing that right now.

I think I'm paranoid

For those who are curious about why I don't take advantage of this grand opportunity and blog about the realities of this conflict let me explain: OPSEC. If I were to do hard news or talk about in detail what goes on here I am deathly afraid that terrorists could read my website and gain valuable information. Maybe I am paranoid, but then I am living in hostile territory in what is reputed to be the most dangerous place on earth, surrounded by random gunfire, frequent explosions, and suicide bombers. Wouldn't you be worried if I wasn't a little paranoid?
Two points if you can name the music group I am referring to in the title.

The difference between men and women:Totally irrelevant factoid

It's important to remember that genetically men have more in common with a male chimpanzee than they do with any woman. (A little something I learned from a book called Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes: The Ultimate Guide to The Opposite Sex.)

New Pictures

There are new pictures up at A Thousand Words.

I strive for the sublime by embracing the trivial

This blog has no aspirations to be controversial. My goal was specifically to escape my chain of command's notice and fly "beneath the radar". By several accounts, I have failed. Miserably, I am told. I don't know.
The good news is though that nobody is planning to shut me down. I think it is because of my tendency to avoid things like my opinion of the commanders latest decision, the dramatic success of our latest mission, the dramatic failure of our latest mission, or casualty reports.
Instead, I'd rather tell you I bought clothes for leave! Look at what I got!

• Michael Kors citron yellow piqueé polo shirt - size L - Citron Yellow
• Glorious Shirt Company multi-color cotton patterned button front shirt with jersey back panel - size L - Multi
• Allen B. white embroidered sport shirt
• Glorious Shirt Company blue & white cotton multi-pattern button front shirt - size L - Blue / White
• Michael Kors black wool 2-button blazer - size 44 R - Black
• Ralph Lauren: Polo RRL cream corded cotton jean-style jacket - size L - Cream
• Ralph Lauren: Polo green tint wrap around sunglasses - size One Size - Gold / Green
• John Varvatos cream ribbed crewneck cotton t-shirt - size L - Cream
• Kenneth Cole New York black leather 'In Plain Sight' oxfords - size 12 - Black

All purchased from Bluefly.com at discounted (yet still exorbitant in the eyes of my incredulous colleagues) prices. Note that I didn't buy pants. I was joking before that I was going to spend all my time on leave at a nudist colony since I didn't have clothes. Now, I'll just have to ensure that I am only photographed from the waist up.

Comments at Will!

I don't know who cares and how much, but comments work now. I'd puzzled over them once before and gave up, but now I think I have the situation handled. Comment at will!

Spring Diet fever

I sympathize but don't necessarily fully understand the pain women suffer when they diet for and eventually buy a new swimsuit. (I am not buying a new swimsuit, well, at least I am not buying a bikini. Or... I don't know maybe I will.) I do have some idea of how hard it is to lose two inches off one's waist. I understand, because that is what I am trying to do.
I checked the other day, and my measurements are as follows:

• 41" chest
• 14" right bicep
• 14 1/4" left bicep
• 24" thighs
• 15" calves
• 34 3/4" waist.

Most unsatisfactory! I mean, look at that waist! I am too young to become a blimp. (My apologies to those who are larger than that. You are not blimps. You're ummm... I'll get back to you on that.) Granted, I do tip the scales at 200+ lbs now but I consider that to be a feeble excuse. I have never been this fat before. I've also never been stronger. The bottom line is that I am carrying way too much fat on my stomach.

Why do I suddenly care that I might be turning into the Pillsbury doughboy? Who I am trying to impress? Well, I am reasonably certain that I am coming home on leave in May, and it is absolutely imperative that I be in tip-top shape to impress the girls at home. Surely, there is no more worthy cause for concern? What could be more important than a young man's never ending quest for female companionship?

I burn massive amounts of calories, and I do a small amount of aerobic exercise. (skipping rope) The problem is my rapacious appetite. I find it nearly impossible to not eat everything in sight. I tend to not discriminate when I snack and I will eat whatever is available. Thanks to my faithful readership, my loving family, and my fellow soldiers, ramen has been in steady supply. (THANKS!!! I really enjoyed the ramen folks.)

I could do more intense cardiovascular/aerobic workouts, but the problem is that aerobic exercise destroys the products of weightlifting. Long distance runners are usually very skinny because their muscle eats itself. Aerobic exercise eats muscle. So more than 15 minutes of anything is out. Besides, extended running hurts my back, because (you guessed it!) I am so much heavier. Also, running in our installation incurs the risk of being struck by a mortar round. Hemorrhage due to shrapnel wounds and blast injuries is extremely bad for one's physique.

The only solution is to cut calories. Ramen is definitely out. I've also renounced refined sugar (for a while anyway) and all other junk foods. I am still going to eat everything I can at regular meals. I am just cutting back on snack foods.

Random Thanks

I am going to thank a few random people who have sent me soccer balls. I don't have a comprehensive list because that would entail organization, which is not a word I would use to describe this soccer ball endeavor. "Ambitious" is a word I might use, but definitely not "organized".
Thank you, Karen, Ryan, Jason, Judy M, Kathleen, Jon, the children and teachers at the Monteverde Friend's School in Central America, Claire, and most of all Colleen - without whom I would probably have very few soccer balls. I am sure there are people I have left out but I did mention that these were randomly selected givers right?
I estimate I have received 50 soccer balls so far and I am hoping for more. I've distributed the soccer balls through the battalion chaplain to the various line companies and the demand is enormous. I simply can't give them enough and the children always come back for more. I could easily give twice as many away and still not have enough. Thank YOU!

American Economy modeled as gas

A random blog article about how economists are modeling all of the economy but the top 3% as a gas. You have to read it if only for this quote, "...as macroeconomist Makoto Nirei puts it, the gas model "seems to me not like an economic exchange process, but more like a burglar process. People randomly meet and one just beats up the other and takes their money."

Boy do I feel foolish

So my hand isn't broken. My trip to see the Navy doctors and get X-rays was revealing. I got off on the wrong foot by forgetting my consultation paperwork, and compounded my problem by being a little insolent with the Physician's Assistant on duty. Oh well.
I got an overwhelming response on the Informal Reader Survey. Three people responded. They were overwhelmingly female and middle aged, so I am redoing the page with pink accents with 24 point font so they don't have to wear their reading glasses when they check out the page. (I am allowed to tell that joke because both my parents are middle aged and very near-sighted. My vision is better than 20-20 now but when I turn 40 I will instantaneously go blind.)

Football Is More Violent Than War

Who would have guessed that I would sustain the first broken bone of my life playing football in Iraq? Three or four weeks ago, when I ceased to be a line medic and moved into the aid station, I played a football game and fell on my hand knuckle-first. I remember that immediately my pinky knuckle was deformed, swollen, and very painful. I thought immediately "Something is wrong." Then of course I thought, "It'll heal". If it had been anyone else's hand I would be in trouble with the medical platoon for not providing care.
So I was lifting weights the other day and mentioned how stiff my pinky finger had become to another medic and showed him the lump underneath my pinky knuckle. He suggested a condition known as "Boxers' hand". Boxers often break their metacarpals from punching with the smaller knuckles on their hand. I showed my hand to our doctor and he immediately concluded that I had broken my hand.
So I am probably facing surgery sooner or later to fix the problem. Things were going so well...

Places to Go Before I Die

I place a lot of emphasis on wish fulfillment in my life. I want to be able to grow old and not regret wasting my youth. I mean one can be responsible, get a job and get married, or one can party oneself cross-eyed. It is obvious what route is most attractive.
I was reading Stuff magazine (or was it Maxim? They are so similar that I think they might as well combine forces and stop competing. They could call the new magazine Stuffxim, pronounced "stuff 'em") the other day and saw a list of party spot world-wide to visit for New Year's Eve. Of course, last New Years Eve I had a hot date with a dude wielding an AK-47 and wearing a long beard so I didn't visit any of the aforementioned reveling rendezvous. I did start thinking though, where do I want to go party while I am still young enough to enjoy it? Well here's my list:

• Ibzia, Spain. It's only the wildest party in all of Europe, if E! Entertainment is to be believed. I think I read a statistic somewhere about how 70% of all females who visited with their boyfriends cheated while they were there. I am certainly not taking a date when I go.
• Sydney, Australia. I was planning to go while I was in Korea because of the things I have heard about Aussie women and the pictures I have seen of Australian beaches. The number one reason? Nicole Kidman and Elle McPherson are Australian. I've been trying to figure out where to go to meet lonely 6 Ft. tall super model types all my life.
• Cozumel/Mazatlan/Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I spent 4 hours in Mexico during spring break, and I saw enough to know that anything goes in Mexico. Anything.
• Las Vegas, Nevada. I want to see Sin City while there is still sin left to be committed.
• Los Angeles, California. I am not really interested in seeing the stars. I have been watching that TV show The OC and I think that LAX is the closest airport to Newport Beach.
• The French Riviera. Because I want to see French girls and there are no beaches in Paris.
• Reykjavik, Iceland. Hip people worldwide are flocking to Iceland because of the great night-life, the northern Lights, and the hospitable people. I am hip right?
• Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. One Word. Carnivale!
• Bora Bora, South Pacific Islands. Because everyone says they want to go to Hawaii. I want to see the South Pacific, but I also want to be original.
• Miami, Florida. Ok, so maybe Will Smith isn't the greatest rapper alive; but I think he was onto something with that song.
• Hedonism, Jamaica. The name says it all.
• Benin, Nigeria. Because Dallas, TX is home, but Nigeria is Home.

Informal Reader Survey

If you don't know, I have been plotting a massive redesign for sometime, but it occurred to me that I haven't included a major constituency in the decision-making process - you the reader. I don't gather usage statistics and for all I know all I may have ten readers total (but they all send great care packages!) but I do want all ten of them to suggest how the site might better serve them.
At the same time, please don't be offended if I completely ignore your wishes and do something completely different. It isn't callous disregard - it's... I'll get back to you on what it is, but I do understand one thing about my readers. The majority of my readers stay interested because my situation is the same or similar to that of one of their loved ones. When I was in AIT, a woman read my site and told me of her fiance who was going to Fort Sam Houston. She lived in fear that he would succumb to the many temptations to be found in San Antonio. Another woman wrote me when I was in Korea about how her son was also in Korea witnessing and probably experiencing moral depravity with "Drinky girls" in Tongducheon. Now that I am in Iraq, I get family members of deployed soldiers.
I am trying to say that in six months I will have new readers because I will have started a new adventure. I don't know what happens to the old readers, but chances are they stop reading. I can't even get my family and friends to read all my blog posts.
I need email from as many readers as possible about why they read, who they are, and what they like or don't like. I don't share reader's names or their names.

Rock Star's Websites

When putting together your own "rock star" website it is necessary to study actual rock star websites, which I have been doing in my spare time. I discovered that a lot of Rock Stars have old, poorly updated websites. It looks like many people put a lot of money and work into developing flashy cutting edge websites when the web was new and then discovered how much was required to maintain such a website. A lot of sites have flashy graphics and music but no content to back up the site's pretty looks.
My goal and what I mean by Rock Star website, is a site that looks expensive but is designed without any expensive parts. The site should be colorful, energetic, and look as if it might fly off the screen but without breaking the budget of the guy who built it.
I do know these things:

• I hate rectangles.
• I like irregular borders.
• I like not having any borders.
• I like Jenniferlopez.com.
• My liking Jennifer Lopez's site has more to do with the picture on the left side of the site than it has to do with the design.
• I don't look as good with my shirt off as J.Lo. does. (But I do look real good, let me assure you).
• I hate sites that make you download stuff to see them.
• I hate sites that only work on certain browsers.
• I think really cool designs should also look really simple.

Those are my design principle right there, in a nutshell.

While you ponder my rules of good design check out www.firstrock.net.