Informal Reader Survey

If you don't know, I have been plotting a massive redesign for sometime, but it occurred to me that I haven't included a major constituency in the decision-making process - you the reader. I don't gather usage statistics and for all I know all I may have ten readers total (but they all send great care packages!) but I do want all ten of them to suggest how the site might better serve them.
At the same time, please don't be offended if I completely ignore your wishes and do something completely different. It isn't callous disregard - it's... I'll get back to you on what it is, but I do understand one thing about my readers. The majority of my readers stay interested because my situation is the same or similar to that of one of their loved ones. When I was in AIT, a woman read my site and told me of her fiance who was going to Fort Sam Houston. She lived in fear that he would succumb to the many temptations to be found in San Antonio. Another woman wrote me when I was in Korea about how her son was also in Korea witnessing and probably experiencing moral depravity with "Drinky girls" in Tongducheon. Now that I am in Iraq, I get family members of deployed soldiers.
I am trying to say that in six months I will have new readers because I will have started a new adventure. I don't know what happens to the old readers, but chances are they stop reading. I can't even get my family and friends to read all my blog posts.
I need email from as many readers as possible about why they read, who they are, and what they like or don't like. I don't share reader's names or their names.

Rock Star's Websites

When putting together your own "rock star" website it is necessary to study actual rock star websites, which I have been doing in my spare time. I discovered that a lot of Rock Stars have old, poorly updated websites. It looks like many people put a lot of money and work into developing flashy cutting edge websites when the web was new and then discovered how much was required to maintain such a website. A lot of sites have flashy graphics and music but no content to back up the site's pretty looks.
My goal and what I mean by Rock Star website, is a site that looks expensive but is designed without any expensive parts. The site should be colorful, energetic, and look as if it might fly off the screen but without breaking the budget of the guy who built it.
I do know these things:

• I hate rectangles.
• I like irregular borders.
• I like not having any borders.
• I like Jenniferlopez.com.
• My liking Jennifer Lopez's site has more to do with the picture on the left side of the site than it has to do with the design.
• I don't look as good with my shirt off as J.Lo. does. (But I do look real good, let me assure you).
• I hate sites that make you download stuff to see them.
• I hate sites that only work on certain browsers.
• I think really cool designs should also look really simple.

Those are my design principle right there, in a nutshell.

While you ponder my rules of good design check out www.firstrock.net.

I finally got a programming job

After an exhaustive search for employment I have finally found a job doing programming work. The catch is that I had to join the Army become a medic and forget half of what I knew about programming to get the job. My newest task in the medical platoon is to replace the old platoon database, which is a formidable endeavor. The old database had 47 fields in a table and 816 records. "Daunting" is a good word to describe my job for someone whose only experience with databases comes from a 3 credit class he took in college almost 3 years ago. To further complicate matters, the database could probably use some Visual Basic expertise, another class I was blowing off on a regular basis 3 years ago.
Despite all the cobwebs in my brain, the database is actually coming along fine. It's going better than my last project, building a heating rack for iv fluid with balsa wood and duct tape, which didn't really go that badly either if you ask the people who matter most.
My next big project for the platoon is building the platoon website. I am going to make us all look like rock stars. That is as soon as I can get someone to send me some decent image editing software...

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!
That is, if you actually want to enjoy Valentine's Day. I mean, Valentine's Day is just another one of those commercial, market driven holidays that corporate America uses to separate honest people from their money.
Ok, So I am a little bummed about not being able to hook up on Valentine's Day. Sue me!

Do You Remember The Time I Almost Got Married?

I don't know whose been reading for how long and how long those peoples' memories are, since I no longer gather any usage data; but I was curious if anyone remember the story I told about the "soldier medic" at Fort Sam Houston who wanted desperately to get married. This is what I said:

...Like this girl I know who is getting chaptered out of the Army due to health problems. She realized that she will be without any benefits or employment so she is trying to get married to someone for the health benefits! It will happen to because she is an attractive girl. I was tempted myself - if only for the chance to demand that she do her "wifely" duties...

Well I have trouble resisting a good joke, so I called her and suggested that we should get married for the money. So of course, she said yes. Luckily, I was hanging out with other medics who were able to administer CPR. She went on to say that she had always liked me and that she would be happy to do her "wifely duty". I had of course lost all powers of speech.
I bring this story up because she e-mailed me the other day and told me how her life was going, which was pretty well actually. She's working and will soon be returning home to attend college.
I still can't help but wonder "what if?" What's more, if I was married I'd have had priority for leave dates. What if?

My Name is Idaho, and I am an Addict

My name is Idaho Edokpayi, and I am addicted to television. I may have said something about being addicted earlier, but you must understand that my addiction is serious. I think I would be less obsessed if I was mainlining heroin every thrity minutes. I have never watched much on tv until I discovered the wonders of broadcast television the summer I graduated college. I watched an entire season of "The Real World: Chicago" in one day. Suddenly, I understood what it was to actually enjoy a program and want to watch new episodes in sequence.
The next year, I discovered the magic of DVD's and Tivo all at once. I am now forever spoiled. My life is over.
It's that simple.
When I am not watching "Smallvile", "Roswell", or lately "The OC"; I am watching "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer", or possibly, even worse, playing Soul Calibur 2. Soul Calibur 2 has to be what you might get if you took crack and digitized it and put it in a video game. There are times that I am not even enjoying playing the game, but my fingers won't stop and I can't seem to drop the controller. I don't even know what other games I own on my Xbox anymore.
This is bad because I am a soldier... in an infantry battalion. I am surrounded by fellow addicts! When somebody isn't saying, "Hey, Doc let's watch some OC" or "Hey, Doc let's watch some Buffy" they are telling me that I couldn't beat them at Soul Calibur if they all had no thumbs and were forced to play the game by pecking the buttons with their noses. Wrong thing to say.
What more can I say? I love television. Just not on TV anymore - I've got my brother, an electrical engineering major, working on technology to send the visual impulses directly into your brain. You'll be able to watch hours of TV in seconds. Just think of the possibilities!
TV is a heck of a drug.

Is This Thing On?

Somebody recently emailed me to ask why I hadn't posted in two weeks and I nearly replied that I thought I had. I looked at the blog and I haven't. I have been posting by email and I am not sure if I have been careless or if there is a problem but I know of at least one email post that still hasn't shown up.
If you have been checking the blog and thinking horrible things, well they are not true. I would never lie about my feelings for your sister... Wait wrong apology. I am alive and well as those of you who have been e-mailing know very well. I am sorry and I'll pay more attention to whether my posts actually get on the blog in the future.

When it Rains it Pours

My location in the Sunni Triangle looks like a monster truck rally, which isn't far from the truth when you consider how much modified up-armored and armored HMMV's weigh. Winter here can be cold, damp, and dreary - which is to say that it is probably preferable to the only other season we have here, which is summer. We have tracked mud on every square inch of floor indoors and most boots have changed color from tan to brown. The majority of my platoon is complaining of cold symptoms, and I am suffering the exact symptoms but I hate medication, ironic since I am the medic. 

For those of you who are interested in my soccer ball project I have a few helpful guidelines:

• You may send the balls deflated.
• Size doesn't matter, but I would recommend a size 5 ball. (The kids aren't picky)
• I am not affliated with any charitable or  international aid organizations.
• I make up the rules as I go.

Keep those things in mind and we can have a beautiful relationship. I am going to post pictures of smiling children with soccer balls at this location , my new photoblog, A Thousand Words. There will also be pictures of daily life in Iraq.

That's all for now, I am leaving to go take my mudbath.

So You Need Proof?

When I came up with the idea of giving Iraqi children soccer balls I always knew in the back of my mind that I would need proof that I was actually giving the balls to the children. I originally intended to take pictures as proof, then I I realized that may not be adequate. However, I don't have much in the way of other options. I intend to take the pictures and post them on a photoblog (as yet unnamed but coming very soon) but in the end, I'll have to ask you to just trust me. The address the soccer balls are sent to is an APO address in Iraq and honestly, other than perhaps a soccer coach, who wants a million soccer balls in the mail?  I suppose it could be part of some diabolical plan to take over the world, but what are the odds?

Meestah Give Me Football!

I would never explicitly ask for something for myself on the blog. I might however drop subtle (ok not so subtle, or rather really obvious) hints. However, for somebody else, I don't feel the slightest compunction making my demands known.

What I want are footballs, known to you as soccer balls. The never ending refrain of the Iraqi children's singsong pleas is "Meestah give me football!" They ask for other things of course, pencils, pens, crayons, stickers, coloring books, papers, money, watches, sun glasses, etc. But they always ask for soccer balls. And I never have any. So I aim to set this situation right. So please, send me your balls. Soccer balls, I mean. (perverts)

This is how it works. If you send me an email, I'll email you back instructions on where to ship your soccer balls. If you already know my address feel free to just go ahead and send them.

Thanks! You many now return to your regular programming.

Combat Carpenetry

If you had been near my location in Iraq recently, you would have thought it was a construction site. Well, my location is a construction site; but it's also a fortified position, bristling with heavy machine guns and booby traps. People passing by simply do not realize how close they come to death everyday.

The most popular pastime recently has been carpentry. I even tried my inexperienced hand at some minor projects. Thus far I've built a platform for exercise and a floor for my room, and both were remarkably similar in construction. I built the platform so I could do calf raises without breaking my neck on the balcony or the stairways and I put the floor in so I didn't have to walk in the dirt in the little room I call home. I am satisfied with the results, even if the results are lopsided and unfinished. Finished wood where I live is unheard of. It wouldn't go with the decor.

I took some pictures recently (THANKS DAD!) to send home to the folks and my mom upon seeing the pictures immediately wanted to know where my gun was. I replied that it was strapped to my leg like it always is. It seems that the family is afraid I'll get shot because I am not carrying a big enough gun. I just want to say, don't worry about me - I have 20 body guards and they are all packing heat. Me worry? Nah!

Ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed or sleeping bag in my case? Today, I was in such a nasty mood that I would have punched Mother Teresa in the ovaries if I had seen her.

Check out the Bravo Company website. http://www.b-co.1-503rd.org/

Gotta Go!

It's a New Year

I have no resolutions except to do everything I can to return to the States in one piece. I should think of something funny to say but some days you just don't feel it. I WANNA GO HOME!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to you and yours!
Umm by the way, unless the Army is willing to relax its strict rules of behavior and allow shenanigans like what is depicted in Starship Troopers (co-ed showers, sex in the tents) I am very much not in favor of women in the infantry. I'll explain what brought this up another time.

stuff not to send a soldier

My platoon has been getting a lot of packages because of the time of year and we appreciate the sentiment and the good things the people of America have sent us. Some things have been cause for head scratching or bemused laughter. For instance, if the address says anything about "Infantry Regiment", "Inf.", or anything resembling the word "Infantry" feminine hygiene products will not be appreciated. We feel much the same way about vitamin supplements meant for women, and magazines like "Redbook" aimed at an older female audience. Men in an infantry line company really do not care to read about why Julianne Moore believes that no one should get plastic surgery. (We would tend to believe that many people are in dire need of immediate emergency plastic surgery, but that's just us.)

Also don't send us water. I am amazed that the water survived the trip without springing a leak but, a single bottle of water is a mockery more than anything else. If the Army can deliver my mail I am sure it can deliver sufficient quantities of water also. Now that I have told you not to send water, I am sure we will have a shortage and I will be forced to drink water from the open sewers in the street. No matter, what does not kill me sends me home early.

I can't think of anything else you shouldn't send offhand but I'll let you know when something occurs to me.

Merry Christmas

In case I don't see you again. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

By the way, visit www.desertoutkast.com, make PFC Gonzo happy too this Christmas.

I'd be happy if he'd just take down that stupid picture of me sleeping.

In case we don't meet again

Rampant consumerism aside I wanted to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Christmas isn't about the stuff you get or the money you spend or the places you go or what you do when you get there. Christmas should be about the people you spend the birthday of Christ with. I apologize to the atheists out there. Atheists should feel free to spend Christmas concentrating on getting more stuff.

No more homilies in this space till next year.

More Stuff

I have had a couple of days to think about it and I wanted to add a few more things to my list. Of course, when I get done, Santa will have to airlift everything I want in a C130 but I have needs.

• a Special Operations Medical Backpack $159.99 at http://www.rangerjoes.com/ (in Black please) I have to feed my not so well hidden aspiration to be in Special Ops.
• the next 12 copies of Maxim magazine, because you can't get Playboy in Iraq.
• one jumbo size bottle of hand/body lotion, my skin is extremely dry.
• a time machine, I need some way to make this year pass faster. Of course if I had one the Army would immediately confiscate it in the interest of national security.
• a motorcycle.
• a full body cast, in anticipation of the massive vehicular accident that I will likely have the first time I ride the motorcycle.
• illegal drugs, so I can numb the pain. (If you really attempt to send me illegal drugs I will fly to your location and beat you senseless. If I can't get pornography what makes you think I can get drugs?)
• a Papa John's pizza with extra cheese, Italian sausage, and jalapenos. Frozen? Maybe they could just send me a kit with instructions on how to assemble the whole thing and then I could attempt bake it over a campfire. There is no limit to what a determined soldier might attempt.
• An Xbox, because nobody will send me one despite the fact that I have oodles of money in the bank. (Oodles is a word I define as more than I am accustomed to having due to my normal spending habits)

That's all for now. I'll be waiting impatiently I promise.

More Stuff

I was reading the list of stuff I asked for, and realized that there was no reason I should stop there. I mean I asked for world peace so I might as well try for a couple of new XBox games or something.

In addition to world peace, brotherly love, and well being for all I decided I also want:

• A Pony.
• A big house with a pool. (I'll need it to store the stuff I am going to ask for)
• A vacation to Disney World.
• A baby grand piano. I don't play but I'll learn.
• An electric guitar. See above statement.
• A drum set. See above statement.
• An Alienware Gaming Desktop computer system. I like computers, especially funky alien shaped computers.
• Smallville season three DVD. I already asked for this once. If I have to do it again heads will roll.
• Season three of 24 on DVD. I kind missed this season what with training and deploying for Iraq and all.
• The Dave Chappelle show on DVD. I want this mostly so third squad leader can stop bugging me about borrowing DVD's I have already broken.
• Season three of The Shield on DVD. I don't know if this available but I had to ask you know, I'm on a roll.
• Season three of Friends. I have this weird quirk - I only watch the third season of any TV show.
• Nine pairs of Nomex tactical gloves or Nomex aviator gloves. I destroy like one pair of these a month, so I figure that nine will get me through the rest of the deployment.
• More to come later!

Christmas list continued

Where was I? I think I had just left off with the car. I also want:

• A Tablet PC that can play DVD's and burn CD's. Everybody else has them! I just want to have the same things as all the cool kids.
• Bi-pod legs compatible with a picatinny rail system. My platoon sergeant just got some and they are super cool. You never have to use a sandbag to support your M4 at qualifying again. Of course I would also need an M4.
• My own domain name. You can't be hip unless you have you own your-name.com . All the cool kids have this I swear.
• The Rosetta Stone Arabic Level 1 Language Program. I can't be an international super spy until I have mastered a difficult foreign language and Arabic is the language of the month at Oprah's linguist club.
• 100 pounds of Ramen Noodles. I am hungry.
• 100 pounds of spiced Beef Jerky. I am very hungry.
• A new wardrobe in case I come home on leave. If I come home right now I will be forced to spend the entire time in a nudist colony.
• A weight bench. I recently benched 245 lbs. - the most I have ever lifted in my life - but we lost our weight bench. I stay in shape by doing calisthenics in the wee hours of the morning when I am pulling guard.
• Summer desert combat boots. Supply mistakenly gave me two sets of winter boots and I can't wear one pair because they are too small.
• Final Draft 7 screen writing software. Instead of selling the movie rights to Warner Bros. I am going to write and direct the compelling story of my adventures in Iraq myself.
• World Peace.

Merry Christmas!

All I want for Christmas

All I really want for Christmas is to be home. Unfortunately the only way I'll be home this Christmas is in my dreams. That failing I have a list of things I want.

• A Casio G-shock Watch. I have destroyed no less than 5 watches since I was told that I would be deploying to Iraq.
• A warranty for my XBox. I have destroyed nearly $300 in Xbox equipment since I have been in in country.
• Warm weather. It has been absurdly frigid in our location and I am told it will continue to be so for the forseeable future.
• A Nissan 350Z. Do I really need to explain this one?
• Matching chrome plated 9 millimeter hand guns. I have just grown accustomed to the feel of the gun and I want to be able to accessorize with my watch.
• Time is up. More later

Out on the street with my peeps

So I was on patrol just the other day when we met this crowd of Iraqi children. When we see children they tend to clamor for whatever trinkets we carry and we usually give them pens, coloring books, or whatever school supplies we have on hand. Candy is not recommended but sometimes we do it anyway. Usually, the kids won't accept the candy. I began asking the kids their names and trying to converse with them using the limited Arabic I have learned during my tour. One child completely floored me when he read my name off the front of my flak vest, no mean feat considering how much difficulty native English speakers have pronouncing my name. I immediately turned and pointed at another soldier's name. The kid read the name with no difficulty. He didn't speak English as well but his sense of humor translated just fine. With the pen we had given him less than 2 seconds ago he wrote on his hand in English "Ali Baba" - Arabic G.I. slang, as in "Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves".

Let me be the first to tell those of you at home who don't know yet, it gets cold in Iraq. I can't tell you how ironic it is to be wearing a jacket when you are staring at palm trees. I always wondered why they made us pack cold weather gear.

Somebody send me season 3 of Smallville! I acknowledge that I can't eat it but the box that it comes in might be kind of tasty.

Idahosa Edokpayi

Can anyone understand the mystery that is Africa?

Can anyone hope to survive her jungles unscathed and soul intact?

Can anyone look upon her people and not be moved?

Can anyone understand the mystery that is Africa?

Posting by email

I am trying a fairly new feature in Blogger that allows users to post by email. I had some lame sentimental rhymes I had wanted to post but I failed to write them down immediately and the poetry disappeared. Maybe next time.

Any Citizen

Lately, we've been receiving letters addressed to any soldier. I am replying to any citizen who cares to read.

Dear Citizen,
Thank you for your letters of support and the numerous packages you send our way. Your support makes our war effort possible. The cookies fill the stomachs of the soldiers who receive them and the letters fill their hearts. We laugh with delight when your children write us and study the pictures they draw and the photographs you send with intense interest. Soldiers amuse themselves by responding to your correspondence and even if you receive no response do not assume that your letter was not appreciated. Our duties sometimes make us forget our manners but we never forget your gifts and letters.
There are those of you who question our involvement in Iraq and wish us to come home immediately. Most soldiers would tell you this is impossible. We believe that we are here because we must be here. Our involvement is necessary for your safety, for the safety of the world. Whatever the reasons that soldiers originally entered Iraq, soldiers must stay now for the good of all involved. We are here planting the seeds of freedom in Iraq just as the first American soldiers planted them in America so long ago. Even if we could be persuaded to abandon the work we have started we could not leave. To leave would be to disgrace the blood of our brothers in arms who have died or been maimed fighting here before us. We have to make their sacrifice worthwhile.
Citizen, don't know me, you will probably never meet me but if you read what I have written and understand the sentiment behind my words you will have done me a great service. Thank you.

SPC Idaho Edokpayi 1-503rd INF REGT US Army

Simple Pleasures

Idahosa is a happy soldier today because he just took a shower and is going to take another in a few short minutes. The warm spray of a strong shower head over filthy skin is a dramatically sensual experience when one has been taking cold showers for 3 months. Add hot chow and life just does not get better.
Have I said anything about how the Army gets too little good press and the Marines get way too much? I'd say more but...
Somebody just destroyed my month old Xbox while I was out dodging bullets. I hate people sometimes. If I could find that person, I would personally ensure that they suffered a horrible, agonizing death involving clever misuse of medical equipment and the blunt end of a 9mm Beretta. I am a medic after all.
By the way, here's a note to all the girls out there just dying to hook up with a soldier: if you get within ten feet of an infantryman in any branch of the service you will get pregnant instantly. I promise.

War is Hell

There is a joke going around that Time magazine has voted the installation currently housing the 1-503rd is the worst place to live in the world. The problem with the joke is that any reporter visiting from Time magazine would be blown to smithreens, shot, or kidnapped before he ever actually walked in the gate.
I have a few projects in mind with regard to this blog. I plan to get some web space and get a domain name. I also plan to get a digital camera so you can see me win the war in Iraq single handedly or rather so you can see me pose for silly pictures with bewildered Iraqi children. What this means for the blog in its current incarnation is nothing. Even when I start the new website I will still be posting to this blog. The new website will be this blog, just on steroids. I like self-promotion over the internet.
Life in Iraq is well, life in Iraq. It sucks. It sucks a lot. We just installed electricity and I saw the CO building a shower behind the building so things are looking up. Hot chow has been more regular lately, I might stop losing weight. I also took a shower today so I am feeling extremely chipper.
Send food.
(I can't eat money.)

Lame Poetry

Does absence make the heart grow fonder,
Or does it make one prone to wander?
Through the distance can two souls reach and touch
Or do suspicious minds demand too much?
Can loneliness poison, leave us in pain,
Prevent us from seeing what we have to gain?
It seems that man will never learn:
To yearn is to blunder; to desire is to burn.
Love is tragedy; life is love; the end comes faster;
And all is unmitigated, beautiful disaster.
The common everyday emotional attachments
Are just snares, entrapment.
Don't try to escape, don't deny your need!
Join me in folly; this I plead.
In the end love is impossible.
Yet at the same time, love is unstoppable.

I am prone to write dumb poetry when I spend a lot of time on guard by myself.
I've got big plans, just not a lot of time to talk about them. Watch this space. I'll be back.

Going Places

If you don't hear from me don't worry. I am going to be at a location nearby where I cannot post to the blog for a while. In the meantime, go vote! Today's election will be the most important election to take place in my lifetime and could directly impact how long I stay in Iraq and whether I will have to go back. Those of you who know me well know how I would have you vote, but I don't want to go any further because I don't want to possibly insult the future Commander in Chief.
I am actually leaving in two hours so I'll have to cut this short.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!
From a guy who never went trick or treating as a kid.

Who are these people?

So I am receiving even more mail from people who apparently are visiting this blog. It's touching really it is. I am always amazed that people are interested in what I have to say.
Life around the FOB (Forward Operating Base if memory serves) is actually relaxed for once. At least it is when I am not being wrestled to the ground and cuffed by members of my own platoon. It could have been worse, the last medic was bound and stuffed in a box, a prank known in platoon history as "Doc In a Box". I would have killed someone before I let that happen. I am not angry really. They did the same thing to our Platoon Leader not long ago. No one is immune, except the Platoon Sergeant. I am sending out a warning. I will have my revenge. I am different from medics past. Those involved should sleep with an eye open.

Grammar police

I am expecting a visitation of the Grammar Police at any moment due to numerous miscues in the last few posts. When people start reading, I start proofreading and start wondering how much it would cost to hire an editor. This is from a kid who once boasted on a college application that he could teach 98% of graduating high school seniors something about English.
To my audience, (you know who you are, all 2 of you) thanks for reading; you keep me honest. Well at least you make me check my spelling.

What we all fear most

Silence is the most ominous thing a military family can hear.

MSNBC - Reservists refuse mission in Iraq

The military might be downplaying the seriousness of what these 19 people did but I know that if 19 people in my platoon did what these people did that the powers that be would rain hell-fire and brimstone on our location for days. I hope that they were justified and that the media can rescue them. Because not even God will help you if you disobey the US Army without good reason.
MSNBC - Reservists refuse mission in Iraq

A Soldier's Wish List

Someone emailed me and reminded me that people indeed do read this blog. I forget that people read what I write every so often. With those of you at home reading this in mind I came up with a list of things your soldier probably wants you to send him.

1. Books: I read at least 20 books in the two weeks 2ID was in Kuwait. I recommend light reading, Tom Clancy is much better in our situation than John Milton.
2. Magazines: Magazines are good also. You would be shocked at how many infantry men will read Cosmoplitan.
3. DVD's : If a soldier doesn't have a DVD player he will beg/borrow/steal one if for someone reason he can't buy it. Once he has obtained said DVD player he will watch everything on DVD in a two mile radius. It's true; I promise.
4. CD's: Same situation as with DVD's only not as desperate.
5. Baby wipes/Wet Wipes/Body cleansing towels: Soldiers use baby wipes on themselves just like you do on your baby. I wouldn't be that surprised if someone told me that a soldier somewhere was buying and wearing diapers. Baby wipes have other cleansing uses but there exists no better replacement for toilet paper.
6. Toiletry items: The PX's (Post Exchange - it's where military personnel buy enormous amounts of things they have no use for) are chronically under-stocked and there is always something that a soldier wants that isn't readily available. Also, I bet you would be surprised that macho infantry soldiers buy loofahs and body wash to use in the shower; loofahs are the best way to fight an affliction known as prickly heat. (Prickly heat is a skin condition that soldiers often get from constant wear of body armor. The sensation is something like having an infinite number of flaming needles jabbed in the skin at once. Those afflicted have been known to do the "Prickly Heat Tango", a dance requiring that the dancer scratch his back while writhing in agony on the floor.)
7. Video Games: I recommend multi-player games. True story: I recently bought X-Men Legends for my XBox and played it for five minutes and left to run an errand. When I returned, ten men had gathered around my Xbox to wait their turn to play.
8. Pictures of friends and family: I often see pictures of wives, girlfriends, children, friends, and family taped on the walls in the barracks, right next to the picture of naked women ripped from girly mags.
9. Clothes: There are no PT uniforms in the PX, none! PT's are the only other thing that most soldiers have to wear if they are not in their DCU's (Desert Combat Uniforms, they are the tan and brown uniforms that you see soldiers in on the news). You can buy PT's at any military base or possibly at military surplus stores. You can also buy them online at Ranger Joe's. PT, by the way, stands for Physical Training. PT uniforms are worn to exercise and sleep in. Most branches of the service have dark shorts and some sort of plain t-shirt with the name of the branch on the front. The Army personnel wear a gray t-shirt
   with Army emblazoned on the front and black trunks with Army written on left leg with white reflective tape. The Marines (which are not even a separate branch of the Service. They are a Department of the Navy!) insist on being different and wear plain green t-shirts with the shortest green shorts I have ever seen. There is nothing funnier than the sight of a macho Marine doing PT - in green short shorts. There official color isn't even green; the Marine color is red. Even the Air Force had the sense to wear dark blue. Send underwear too. The PX sells a very unsatisfactory narrow selection of underwear. They do sell thong panties, though. We all know how practical it is to be digging butt-floss out of the crack of your butt when the insurgents decide to start shooting at you. We all appreciate effort though. (Don't get me wrong, I am very much in favor of butt floss, just not on the battle field) Under Armour or some sort of moisture wicking t-shirt is also in high demand. Soldiers think they look cool in high tech spandex.
10. Food: Girls, if you send a soldier cookies you baked yourself and they make it to him intact and unspoiled, he will propose marriage. I promise. I recommend candy, beef jerky, powdered drinks (Gatorade powder is being sold by the gram in the barracks), and meal replacement bars for everyone else. Generally any food that will not spoil and does not need any kind of preparation is a good idea.
11. Letters: The most important thing you can send a soldier is your love. Soldiers measure love in mail. (or e-mail) If all you can do is write "hi" on a sheet of paper and mail that, at least he knows you love him a little.

So what are you waiting for? Send me something already!

On the Radar

Uh-Oh! It seems through extremely reliable sources that this blog is on Army brass' radar. In my experience this is the beginning of the end for most blogs. I do not think that will happen in my case since I take care to stay away from OPSEC violations but my fingers remain crossed.
Yesterday, I learned why the insurgents are such terrible shots by firing an AK-47 on automatic. It was enjoyable - I now believe that everybody should have their own AK - but was hardly a demonstration of outstanding marksmanship.

On Patrol in Iraq

So I was walking the beat with my peeps in an Iraqi village when I saw this Iraqi guy surrounded by all these children, his I suppose. He smiled at me and gestured at the water bottle I was guzzling cool water from. (cool water is more precious than gold in Iraq) He pointed at the youngest child, a girl with huge brown eyes and curly reddish brown hair. She was so perfect, a little angel. When I saw her my heart leaped in my chest. So I knelt and gave her the water bottle. She took it in both hands like a baby bottle and finished the water I had left. Moment's like that make me proud to be a soldier.

Election Scorecard - Where the presidential race stands today.

Election Scorecard - Where the presidential race stands today.
Bush is kicking Kerry in the butt according the people who like him least.

One down 11 to go

We've been here a little more than a month but I thought I'd let y'all know. To be brutally honest with myself, there is nothing I would like more than to leave this God-forsaken hell hole behind me. It is everything I can do at times to not weep when I think of the time I must spend here, a year! What was I thinking when I joined the Army? In calmer moments, I comfort myself by saying that I knew what I was getting into, that I actually wanted to do this, and most of all I wanted to serve my country. It's all true, but there are times that I would kill to be back in the States - anywhere in the States, at this point I'd go to Death Valley. It isn't so bad as I made out in the last two paragraphs. There are a multitude of benefits that will come to me by being here and my life isn't coming to an end. It's just not easy. Even when it isn't that bad, it really isn't that great either. I just want to go home. So I am alive despite the best efforts of our friends the insurgents. The chain of command is making every effort to bring as many of the comforts of home as feasible to the soldiers here and it is getting better. The one thing that never cease to amaze me is the sight of thong panties in the PX. We spend every day in mortal danger and someone is worried about whether their panty lines show. You can't see panty lines in DCU's! It is comforting though that people have time to think about sex on the battlefield. At least, some things haven't changed.

Visit Lost in Desert.com

Visit my platoon website. The people who are going to keep me alive in Iraq.

Umm Still here

You know, I am scared witless of saying anything interesting about what is going on here due to operational security and I don't get outside news so my blog for at least the next 11 months could probably be summed up with, "I am still here!"

Our man Jack In Iraq

So I am firmly ensconced somewhere outside of Baghdad near a major hot spot in Iraq and I am still in one piece. The key phrase in the first sentence is "still in one piece". Death and destruction find the unwary and the wary alike although the unwary are struck down with much greater frequency. There are a few simple things one can do to protect himself here, but the truth is that when the day comes death will find you and nothing can prevent it. So I don't think about it... Much anyway.
Communication with the outside world is intermittent due to operational security and unreliable technology. I have also succeeded in destroying some of my personal electronic equipment with the 220 volt electricity generated by the installations overworked generators. Luckily my laptop is more resilient than my XBox. I have nothing of consequence to say really. I am alive. That's all.

Live from Iraq

You know the title for this post is silly. Of course I am "Live from Iraq". If I was dead there would be no post. Or maybe it isn't so silly. The only thing that is constant about life now is the sheen of sweat on every soldier's brow at midday. I've experienced mortar attacks for the first time. Most of the time mortar attacks are only acknowledged because of the noise they make, but one round came close enough that we could feel the rush of air from the blast. The battalion that we are replacing once had nearly half of its tents burn to the ground due to mortar fire. Men were caught in the shower in the midst of the attack and were forced to wander the camp in towels. I giggled like an uncaring school girl when my platoon sergeant told this story. He immediately pointed out that insurgents target medics and would love to kill me first. I still couldn't stop laughing.
As to my living conditions, all I'll admit to is that I live in squalor compared to the air conditioned tents we slept in while in Kuwait. I'll live though. And I am done.

Soldier and Psychopath

Soldiers are psychopaths. The act of traveling to a strange country and causing fatal bodily harm to people one barely knows must surely be madness. War is merely the process of building perfect little murderers enmasse. Yet war is the only form of diplomacy that really works. War is more than necessary. War is inevitable.

First Blood

My unit has drawn first blood today in Kuwait, we produced our first non-friendly casualty. Granted it was an innocent civilian who stumbled into a live-fire range but I caught myself wishing I was there so I could have treated my first gunshot wound. My motivation is curiosity. Does everything I have been taught work? If someone is bleeding from a wound will dressing the wound really help them? If someone is in shock and I initiate an IV will they be revived? Inquiring minds want to know. Mine does anyhow.

Come On

I can't escape the feeling that my life is on hold. The longer I stay in Kuwait, the more impatient I become. I saw an old buddy of mine from boot camp but we had nothing to say to each other. Beyond the momentary elation of recogniton, there was nothing.
I don't have any insights gained from living in the desert, no knowledge gained from constant introspection. The most productive thing I have started doing again is lifting weights. I am bored.

Can't Wait, I'm in Kuwait

That has to be the corniest post title I have ever used. I've been in Kuwait four days now and I think that the desert agrees with me. At least it does when the Army installs showers, air conditioned tents, dining facilites, an internet cafe, and a Subway. Life cannot be that hard when there's a Subway restaurant within walking distance. I won't even eat there, the only restaurant that could make me feel more at home though is a McDonald's.
I made the mistake of not bringing half of my laptop charger. So I am hamstrung. But it's ok.
One of the things that has been so surprising in Kuwait, is how "hajji" has so easily replaced "ottoshee". Foreigners in Korea called every Korean male "ottoshee" now in Kuwait and Iraq we have "hajji". I suppose that I'll stop liking "hajji" so much when he starts shooting at me. Time is money, in the internet cafe it's $5 an hour, so I am done and on to the next one.

soxblog

Here's hoping no one ever looks up my grades as an undergrad to decide whether I am intelligent or not.
soxblog

3 days out

Umm I am 3 days out of Iraq. I am at peace with going to war. (Irony if I ever saw it.) At the same time what do I say? Not a lot of turmoil or mixed emotions.

Democracy doesn't happen in conventions

I was reading electablog the just now and he commented on how going to the Democratic convention opened his eyes on how Democracy works.
I've got news for anybody who thinks political conventions are a part of the democratic process, they are clearly not any more. Maybe at one time nomination conventions were meant to chose a candidate for the national political parties but that time has passed. Candidates are chosen well before the actual convention and conventions merely rubber stamp the party's preferred candidate. Conventions are now an impediment to the democratic process because they provide the preferred candidate a chance to coopt his former primary opponents messages and silence any critics within the party thus squashing any serious dialogue.
What's worse is that conventions are vehicles of a two party system that excludes any and all others. We essentially have two state mandated political parties. Conventions aren't about democracy, Conventions are a tool of the political establishment to control the voting public. The entire thing is a giant sham.

Kerry Stinks

I've been back from the field and I have been able to catch up on my political reading and I wanted to say that John Kerry is a weak candidate. Despite the incredible ground swell of public outrage from the political left against President Bush, Kerry will be unable to connect with voters outside his own natural liberal constituency. Why? He stinks.
I've been pointing out that Kerry has run for president before and was defeated in the primaries. Kerry is a re-tread. He will fail because his stiff demeanor and speaking style will prevent him from convincing the American people that he is anything other than he is; and he is a canny, opportunistic, and very cautious political operator.
I just don't feel that John Kerry has the new ideas or the charisma to lead the country in a transformative era.
There are times I don't know if George Bush has the ability to lead the country, but what he has shown is the willingness to make incredibly unpopular decisions merely because he is convinced that he is right. This isn't a problem if Mr. Bush is always right. Let us pray that he is right more often.

AtomFilms - This Land

Don't get me wrong though. I plan to vote for the nut job myself.
AtomFilms - This Land

Terror in the Skies, Again? - WomensWallStreet

Absolutely positively chilling.
Terror in the Skies, Again? - WomensWallStreet

Slogging my way to Iraq

Training for the desert in Korea during the monsoon season has not been one of the most pleasant things I have ever done in life. Constant wear of my body armor has introduced me to an ailment known as "prickly heat". Salt, dirt, and assorted other things become lodged in the patient's pores and subject him to a maddening, burning, prickling sensation in the affected area. It sucks. You should see me do the "oh-my-God-what-is-that-itching-burning-sensation-all-over-my-back" dance.
I return to the field tomorrow morning with my line company to continue training in God knows where on the Korean peninsula. A nearly continuous month of training, spiced with unsubstantiated rumors of extra time in Iraq make Jack a very dull boy indeed.
I am out.

MSNBC - Iraqi group says it beheaded U.S. Marine

NO!
MSNBC - Iraqi group says it beheaded U.S. Marine

The world is my Urinal

The one thing about being in the field in the Army is that you get really thirsty. So you drink water. Then the inevitable consequence is that you must get rid of the water somehow and there are no bathrooms. What do you do? You go anywhere you feel like. There isn't anybody watching who might get offended and if there is, they shouldn't be watching.
I am back in the barracks (I don't use the word "home" because I have no home anymore) for the Fourth of July but I am leaving Monday morning. I better get while the getting is good. I can feel Iraq coming...
I have some funny stories to tell about being in the field but I don't want to give away any of tactics, it's actually a matter of security. We did have some craziness involving the platoon sergeant splattering a squad leader with glow-in-the-dark paint from a broken Chem-light. The inside of the building we were camped in looked like a low rent rave party. The BDU's even looked all right because apparently everyone is wearing camouflage to the club now.

Terrorist Henchmen have US Marine

MSNBC - Arab TV shows tape of purported U.S. hostage

Medical Tomfoolery

Never sleep around a medic. Never get so drunk that you are unconscious. Never agree to let the medic practice procedures on you that you have never heard of. Like inserting a nasogastric tube, inserting a nasogastric airway, or inserting a Foley catheter. Medics were probably the kids growing up who were always sticking pens in their noses or inhaling beans. Male medics have this urge to stuff tubes in every human orifice extant. We think it's funny. Look at us funny and you might end up with a catheter slimed with surgilube somewhere the sun doesn't shine.
Two medics offered themselves up as guinea pigs for medical procedures tonight. One agreed to have a nasogastric tube put in. A nasogastric tube is a tube that doctors use to clean out your stomach in a hospital or take a sample of stomach contents. Well medics like it because we get to shove a tube down somebody's nose. I have a video of this dude drinking Mountain Dew only to have a buddy of mine sucking it out of a tube in his nose as fast as he can drink it.
The other guy put in his own Foley catheter. That is to say he smeared iodine on his penis while wearing sterile gloves, put lubricant on a plastic tube and shoved the entire thing in his penis! At one point, he was in so much pain he was nearly in tears and we all just nearly died with laughter.
I have a video of him doing this to himself. I laugh so hard when I watch it that I have to make sure I go the bathroom first. Medics are fun.

Dick Cheney drops an F bomb on Pat Leahy

MSNBC - Cheney curses Leahy on Senate floor

Gene Expression: Homo Superior or how Science has discovered how to create your own race of mutant super men

Gene Expression: Homo Superior

Unfairenheit 9/11 - The lies of Michael Moore. By Christopher?Hitchens

Christopher Hitchen nails Michael Moore's cowardly movie.
Unfairenheit 9/11 - The lies of Michael Moore. By Christopher?Hitchens

Mistakes Loom Large as Handover Nears (washingtonpost.com)

Ouch! Things could have been so much better. Mistakes Loom Large as Handover Nears (washingtonpost.com)

Are we deployed yet?

I talked to someone who just spent 10 months in Iraq, which honestly could be almost anyone in the Army since Army brass is deploying everybody. He told me something interesting. Deploying is easy; predeployment is hell. I mean hell like living in jail with some dude named Bubba who's looking for a new "Mommy". I mean hell like living with your PMS'ed mother-in-law and her new boyfriend "Donny". I mean hell like finding out your wife cheated on you with your brother... And your best friend, and your cousin, and his friends, and...
It's unpleasant.
I did get off work early today so I decided to unwind by actually using my XBox for what it was designed for and playing some video games. So I played "Ninja Gaiden" and got my butt handed to me by assorted fictional characters whose only purpose is to hassle hapless gamers. Strangely enough, it was enjoyable, but I could only take so much failure.

MSN Video

Michael Moore's at it again. He says that he "rails against the Democratic party". Yet he's made no movies about them.
MSN Video

A Medical Quest - In which I am given new hope, which is crushed a few days later. By Masha?Gessen

A Medical Quest - The story of a woman who is dealing with cancer - before she gets it. By Masha?Gessen

What it means to be a Soldier

The only good reason to ever become a soldier is for what the soldier can give to his country and not what his country can give to him. The country in the end can only offer so much but the soldier sacrifices his life - all that he has.

Winning the War on Terror

Do you want to know a secret? America is winning the war on terror. What we are doing is working. Given time, Al Qaida will be driven from Iraq and most likely Bin Laden will be caught. People hear the negativity in the news and they read about soldiers dying in Iraq but they don't hear the stories about how we are slowly but surely driving the terrorists out. No one pays attention when commanders lament that we are killing the insurgents too easily, marveling at what madness drives young men to challenge tanks with rifles or handguns. Nobody pays attention to intercepted communications from terrorists fretting about how the US Army is depriving terrorists of "space of movement". I make no claims that everyone involved has done all the right things for the right motives. Defeating terrorism has been a clumsy process, but I implore anyone who will listen to just give us time. We will win. The cost of failure is much to high for us give up and go home now.
As a soldier, my distaste for going to Iraq and being separated from home is almost as strong as my desire to do the right thing. The right thing is difficult and dangerous thing to do, but the right thing to do is the only thing we can do. Driving the forces of evil out of Iraq won't prevent all possible terrorist acts, but it will show the enemy that the free world fights terror where ever terror can be found. The enemy will learn that we are an implacable foe. They will know that we will win.

Yahoo! News - Purported Letter: Iraq Holy War in Danger

This link is old news by now, but I hope somebody up high is listening and pushing for earlier elections.
Yahoo! News - Purported Letter: Iraq Holy War in Danger

GUNNER PALACE

As you might expect I am fascinated by anything involving soldiers in Iraq. Check out this documentary filmed in Baghdad.
GUNNER PALACE

For Melissa

I am in South Korea once again. It is time to get down to the serious business of training for Iraq. I was reminded once again of how serious being in Iraq is by the news of the death of a friend of mine in Iraq. I won't divulge her full name since that is not my privilege, but I will say that her death really brings home how real and how dangerous it is over in the "Sandbox".
Melissa (her real first name) had trained in the same platoon with me through BCT and AIT. She told me about her little girl, nicknamed me "Gizmo", boasted of her prowess at physical training, and told of her wild antics as a bartender in civilian life. She was real, I knew her, and now she's cold lying in state with a bronze star pinned to her chest to solace her family.
I don't know whether she died bravely (she probably did), but I do know that I'd rather her be alive. I'd rather that my cocoon of invincibility - people I know don't die - hadn't been shattered. People who win medals die. Coming back alive is my number one goal. The cost in human life has been painful but we cannot falter. The only way to redeem the life lost in Iraq is success. Iraq must become a nation worth dying for. Leaving would be an affront to the people who sacrificed their blood in the desert. Leaving would say that Melissa died for nothing. I can't allow that. We must stay the course as painful as the course may be.

Blah

If I had to use one word to describe what I feel it would be "blah". I feel like I have accomplished nothing in two weeks of being in Dallas. I think I am running in the wrong crowd or something. I feel as if I know no one, as if I do nothing, and I have learned nothing. Yet, if I go out people I know from long ago recognize me, I am so busy I barely find time to rest, and I babble endlessly about learning how to treat the sick and injured. Nothing satisfies.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
I Corinthians 13:1-2

Maybe I just need to meet a girl named "Charity".

Proud to Be an American

In about an hour I will become an American citizen after living here 23 years and being in the Army a year. Wish me luck!

Live, From Austin!

I am in Austin trying to party it up before I go. The fun starts in earnest tonight. I am reveling with a sense of urgency - if that is possible.
Perhaps I have the wrong attitude, but I am trying to cram as much as possible into my time at home. I don't think I am going to die, since the actual casualties in ratio to the number of troops in Iraq is small. At the same time, I could just get lucky (or unlucky, whichever word you prefer). I am not going to leave anything to chance or leave with any regrets.
Got to go nap before the party.

It's Really Simple Sucker

If you haven't noticed, I now have RSS (Really Simple Syndication) and Atom feeds of my blog available for public consumption. That is going to be really important when I go off to Iraq and become a war hero/minor celebrity - people are going to be able to keep up with my travels in the desolate Iraqi war zone.

Intimacy

Intimacy, isn't that all that anybody really longs for in their personal life? That feeling when you wake up looking directly into someone else's eyes; that feeling on the dance floor when your foreheads touch gently, your noses brush, and your mouths are less than inches apart; that split second feeling from a good hug; or that little thrill when someone kisses you on the neck where the jaw line approaches the ear. Let other people have sex and prostitutes - if a woman were to sell intimacy, I would pay any price she could name.

Lawrence Lessig on how Copyright is Destroying Flamenco

Why do people feel the need to claim ownership of everything?
Lawrence Lessig

Jet Lag

The upside of being jet-lagged is that I am also feeling really creative. I usually get inspired late at night anyway so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I have made a lot of tweaks to the blog's appearance and added a few links. I hope that my reader's (all two of them) appreciate the effort. I shouldn't laugh about not having readers. At times, the fact that nobody reads this blog is a saving grace.

Investigating Myself

Every time I come back to Dallas, I feel as I am investigating my past life. Evidence that I lived before the Army is quickly disappearing. I came home and I spent 3 hours looking for people I want to hang out with in Dallas. The list is depressingly short. I am beginning to think that is very little reason for me to come back to Dallas anymore. I think I will see the world after all, what is the use of coming home too see friends when there are no friends left to see?
I find that I am a user and a loser. I hang out with people I don't necessarily like because they are useful. I also tend to lose contact of even the people I really like. So I use friends and then I lose them. Sad...
I feel as if I had something profound and sad to say about loneliness and lost childhood, but the words have slipped my mind and the feeling remains. If my friends were to read this they might think I don't value their friendship, but the opposite is true. I am puzzled and disappointed that I don't hear from them daily, I long for communiques from people I haven't heard from. I covet their time. I don't know why but when I travel thousands of miles and cross eight time zones, I feel good when people drop everything there doing to spend time with me.

A funny link to lighten a heavy post.

Don't Tell the Folks

By the way, nobody knows I am in LA yet, or that I am going to be in Dallas in a few hours. So don't be the one to tell them.

California Love

So I am sitting in the USO at LAX writing this post. Regrettably, I am not going to explore LA while I am here, although I am still adding it to the list of places I have been. I have visited: Columbia, SC; San Antonio, TX; Atlanta, GA twice; Tongducheon, Republic of Korea; Seoul, Republic of Korea; Osan, Republic of Korea; South Padre Island, TX during spring break; Austin, TX three times; Houston, TX four times; Dallas, TX my home in the US; and Anchorage, AL). Of course, I only know many of these places by the airports. Flying is still a strange experience for me, although I am quickly accruing more time on jets than all of my family members combined. I am not afraid, yet on every takeoff and landing I imagine the plane shuddering tipping and bursting into flames. I have a very morbid imagination.
I never thought I would become a war blogger, yet here I am. After eleven days of leave, I will be returning to South Korea to train and then deploying to the Middle East. Odds are, judging by the results of other war bloggers, my chain of command is likely going to shut me down for saying the wrong thing, but let's have fun until then shall we?

Politicians Never Learn

So this intern screws a congressman and mentions it in her blog... Uhoh...
Washingtonienne

213 Things Skippy is Not allowed to Do

I would have probably wanted to kill this guy if I had to work with him but I thought it was hilarious.
Avalanche Company: The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

Do you feel a Draft?

Congress.Org -- Issues and Legislation

Tall Children

According to this website, all I need to do to have a six foot tall son, is marry a 5'8" woman. Ok, it's not that simple, but it is a good excuse to chase long legged women.
Health-E-Meters - Trustworthy, Physician-Reviewed Information from WebMD

Sarin Gas in Iraq

They would have to start finding this stuff right when I am going to go there.
The New York Times > International > Middle East > U.S. Finds Shell With Nerve Gas in Iraq

I don't promise heroics

If you watch the news, you might have heard something about troop rotations in Iraq. Understandably, soldiers everywhere listen for this type of news closely. Their families and friends watch and listen fearfully, dreading the inevitable news that someone they know will go. Right now is a very fearful time to be in the military.
If you have been living in fear on my behalf, thanks. There is no more need to fear my going to Iraq. I leave for Iraq in August. I am not coming home first. It's done. Second brigade from the Second Infantry Division is sending 3,600 troops (the entire brigade) to Iraq this summer. My unit, the 1st of the 503rd Infantry Regiment is an air assault battalion in 2nd Brigade.
I promise you one thing. You will be proud to claim me. I will not shame you. Cowardice will not prevent me; incompetence will not hinder me; frustration will not cloud my judgment; boredom will not lower my guard; and hardship will not slacken my resolve. Realistically, I can't promise all of these things. I am only human, but I promise you my best. I don't promise heroics; heroes die and I assume that everybody wants me to come back. I am coming back.

Salt Lick

People always get the wrong idea. I suppose I am very busy giving them the wrong idea but other people's lack of perception is not my concern. There are two schools of thought on my "love life" (or lack thereof). Some people think I am Don Juan reincarnated. Then there are the people who know me and think they know better. That's just my male friends.
So I licked my boss's girlfriend's back Saturday night. It was completely innocent, I assure you. At least as innocent as it could have been with as much alcohol as we had consumed between us. I ran into her late Saturday night at a club in downtown Seoul. I recognized her, called her by name and she was happy to hang out with me. We danced for a while, until the DJ announced a contest requiring couples. She immediately grabbed my hand and said we should compete. I agreed. Well, it was a "sexiest body shot" contest and my boss's girlfriend was looking me directly in the eyes and telling me earnestly, "I think the sexiest body shot would be with my ass facing you and you licking the salt off my back." When a beautiful woman is telling me where to put my mouth on her body I tend to not think twice.
The other contestants were an unattractive white couple, and a Korean couple. Supposedly, two girls were going to compete as a couple but I didn't see them. We went first. The best part wasn't licking the salt off her back, and that was good; but taking the lime from her mouth was almost too much. How our lips met around the lime I do not know, but they did, repeatedly. The unattractive couple won. I can't remember what they actually did for their body shot but the girl exposed her fat midriff and large breasts to incite the crowd. Even the Korean girl's exposed nipples couldn't elicit more cheers from the unruly, classless mob in the club.
It didn't occur to me that explaining my actions to my boss would be a problem until later, when his girlfriend started telling me how she felt guilty. Even then, the concept of guilt was far removed from my mind. Casually, I made a mental note not to tell him anything about meeting his girlfriend, but I didn't dwell on the ramifications of what I was doing. She went on to say that she shouldn't dance with me anymore because she was beginning to feel "close" to me. So we kept dancing anyway, despite her protestations and any misgivings I was beginning to have. I didn't realize how drunk she was until she dropped the shot glass on the dance floor. She left pretty quickly after that but not before telling me how I was "beautiful".
I only feel comfortable telling this story because she called my boss and told him the next day. My boss brought me into his room and told me to get into the "front leaning rest". I assumed the push-up position as he spoke on his cell to his girlfriend. "Did you fuck my girlfriend?" He asked.
"Negative," I responded.
"Did you touched her boobies?"
"Negative."
"Did you lick salt off her back?"
"Yes."
My boss had a good laugh at my expense. His girlfriend promised to punish him for playing the prank. He's been laughing ever since.
So now I have a reputation as someone that you shouldn't leave a girl unattended with; and you know what I don't mind.

CBS News Killed a man today

Jonah Goldberg: Media ethics, consistency questionable in release of photos

Women can't live with 'em

One simply cannot understand the profound effect women have in the military without living in an infantry battalion. The deep loneliness and desperation men live with when separated from their wives, mothers, and girlfriends is enough to drive sane men to distraction. Consider that a large percentage of the younger soldiers have never lived more than five minutes from their mothers and consider the psychological burden of the average soldier.
Do you want to know the number one reason why soldiers extend to stay in Korea? Women - from personal observation the overwhelming majority of male soldiers extend because they have met a woman somewhere in Korea that they do not want to be separated from. Informal research among my peers puts the ratio of women to men in Korea right at thirteen to one. Thirteen to one is terrible odds on a Friday night in a club. Meeting a worthwhile woman in Korea is nothing short of a miracle.
Introduce into this volatile mixture of simmering masculinity and sexual frustration the average female soldier and you have a recipe for disaster. The average soldier is isolated from easily available female companionship for months at a time. The presence of a small number of females produces chaos in military discipline. I am veering dangerously close to saying something that Army brass might disapprove of and shut down my weblog (thereby guaranteeing me millions of hits in the blog's demise) but the truth is the role of women needs to be reduced. When push comes to shove, soldiers simply ignore any and all rules the Army makes regarding sex and gender that get in the way of satisfying their needs for companionship. The men forget wives, children, morals, the threat of heavy punishment, etc for that one supreme moment of satisfaction. The women by turns submit to, exploit, and are exploited by the male soldiers. I'd like to think everyone involved was capable of adult behavior but the answer is obviously no.
Men can cope when women are not present. They buy pornography, write letters, make phone calls, go on leave, etc. Introduce a single woman to the mix with her own desires, longings, and profound loneliness, and there will not be a single man among thousands who will be satisfied till he has known that woman carnally. The rules regarding sexual behavior in the military are futile and laughable. You cannot force men and women to live together and not expect them to have sex. Not in this day and age. Just let it happen. Don't try to manage sex like another variable in a vast and incomprehensible battlefield simulation. Let it go.
In the end, the problem with women in the military is that women are necessary. It would be simply impossible to have enough soldiers without women. Yet, integrating women has caused problems the Army and the military at large refuses to acknowledge that are destroying the Army as an American institution. It's the classic sexual paradox, "Women, you can't live with 'em; can't live without 'em."

Combatives

I have just finished giving and taking various beatings for morning PT - in the Armyu we call it "combatives". The medical and scout platoons in battalion received instruction in jujitsu and boxing and I learned that I do not have a second career as a boxer. My strategy is to let the other guy get tired (of beating me silly) then try to knock him out. It works, but it doesn't win style points. It's also painful. My only boxing match was against my roommate. I had some reservations about fighting him; but he obviously didn't. He immediately proceeded to beat me like a rented mule. I backed away covering my face and chest till he tired. He did. Before I could finish the job, he quit. I was robbed of my moment of glory.

Ping

Ping

Command Sergeant Major's Farewell Dinner

It is not often that you go to a mandatory military function and leave feeling as if the time spent was worthwhile but I think tonight was once. CSM Hayward Thompson is leaving the battalion and the military; tonight was his official farewell. I feel ashamed at my reluctance to participate. CSM Thompson is a great man. At first brush he seemed severe and aloof, but over time I realized how personable and caring he really was. I am not sure how but I think he knew every one of his soldier's names and something about their personal life. He cared. He really honestly cared. It is strange how much that still means.

Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.

Contentment is being at peace with who you are. Happiness, ultimately is joy or pleasure in something outside outside of yourself. One could argue with my definitions, but none can argue that happiness brings contentment or that contentment brings happiness. Many things make people happy but few bring contentment. At the same time, contentment does not guarantee happiness - many people are content with less than happy circumstances. It is well known that all the joy and pleasure in the world cannot satisfy or bring contentment.
My life as it stands, makes me happy. I like my job. My coworkers are generally pleasant people. I enjoy my time off. I am further from being content than the heaven is from hell. I am searching for that something indefinable, something vague, something that makes me say "that's it!". Since I don't know what or who or where it is, I am in for a long search. I like being a medic, but I'd rather fly. I'd love to fly, but I want to be in special ops too. Special Ops would be cool, being a spy would be cooler. Speaking Spanish would be fun; Mandarin Chinese would be the icing on the cake. Being James Bond for a living would be great, but playing sports would be fun too. Playing sports would make me happy for a while, but not for long. Programming games for a living would be great, but I can't see doing it all my life. In the end it's all vanity. It's all transient, nothing really matters in the end. It's just like in the Bible: Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.

Pat Tillman Dead

For once, I am truly saddened by news of the death of a celebrity. Pat Tillman, a former NFL player who turned down a 3.6 million dollar contract to join the Army as a Ranger, died today.

Boorish Healthcare Thought

More women would discover breast cancer early if they got their boyfriends involved in their weekly breast exams.

Playboy lifestyle

I am spending entirely too much money on material goods. I just recieved my household goods, consisting mostly of books and clothes. I just threw away 6 trashbags full of clothes and books I no longer wanted and I still can't walk on the floor because of the clothes, books and shoes scattered in my room. The sad thing is that I just spent an astronomical amount of money on more clothes and shoes. I am going to be broke, but I am going to be well dressed by God. At this rate, I will be forced to find a second job to fund my lavish Playboy lifestyle.

Spring in the land of the Morning Calm

It turns out spring around Camp Casey is picturesque too. I just got back from yet another field problem. The world hasn't changed much while I was away apparently.

Horny, Hungry, and Hateful

For the average infantry soldier to be effective he must be horny, hungry, and hateful. Soldiers are much like guard dogs - too much petting spoils them. The shocking truth is that the average soldier is a powder keg of testosterone (male and female), physical energy, and unfocused malice. The idea is to not stand too close when we explode. The Army has known this for time immemorial but lately leadership seems to be taking a different tack.
I made a day trip to Seoul today (HAPPY EASTER everybody!) and visited Yongsan Army Garrison. I left in disgust. The soldiers there are fat, happy, and satiated. Cascades of pink blossoms showered soldiers driving (they had cars) down the tree lined avenues. I hope the North Koreans hit them first.

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Even google can't seem to locate them.
This is what one would see if one were to type "weapons of mass destruction" into the google search box and click "I'm feeling lucky".

Missing

I really miss some of the friends I made in basic training and AIT. I don't want to mention them by name, but I'd give the world to see them all again. That can't happen, so the best I can do is try to track them down myself. If they're reading I'd like to say: I miss you David, David, (there are two who don't know each other but both were great battle buddies) Katie (she's real chummy with the first David), Jennifer (how are my people in Georgia?), Deborah, Rachel, Kristin (I hear Kill Bill: Vol. 2 is coming out soon; want to go see it with me?), Paul, Jill, Jessica (Georgia again), and the OG (the important people know who the OG is).
There are more but I'll have to leave them out. They are not any less important but time and my need to sleep will not allow me to list them. I really, really miss them right now. I had a lot of fun training with them and I could have had a whole lot more fun if I'd realized what I was missing.

I am the inevitable sum of my forebear's parts

I hate talking on the phone to my Dad. I love him beyond my capability to use hyperbole to describe, but talking to him on the telephone is a chore. Every conversation, since conversations between us are rare, must include a lecture lasting no less than twenty minutes on how I must take care off myself and how I must succeed by doing the right things and not trusting anyone. Dad does have a way of dropping interesting tidbits. I am very sad to report that my great-uncle died recently. I didn't know him, had never even heard his name mentioned until today. He lived comfortably in London but died alone. He had some spat with the rest of the family and had moved to London to separate himself. My Dad is currently making arrangements to retrieve the body. His death prompted my Dad to tell me that he thought I might not see him again before he died. Long separations seem to be a pattern in my family. My Dad was separated from his father 23 years and didn't see him again before he died. I confess that I didn't plan to visit very often.
Even more surprising was my father's query: "Who told you that your grandfather was a medic in the army?" My answer was "No one". I didn't know. Yet, now I am a medic in the Army. Everything I am, everything I do, down to the very way, I walk, I smell, I talk, I think, is only a recreation of what my Dad and his father are and have done before. It's as if my fate is inevitable. I could know my future by learning my father's past. I am so much like my Dad I'd almost swear that I am his clone. My mother could predict my Dad's taste by asking me first. I look so much like my Dad that people would see my Dad and swear it was me driving around only older.
I have some strange or maybe not so strange ideas about time. I believe that time is a math problem. The solution is difficult perhaps but inevitable. People are just variables moving irresistibly toward a solution that is not yet known. The implication is that the problem can be solved. I don't know if the solution is constant or variable but I know the solution exists. What this all means or matters I don't know, but I know the solution exists.
Wow that was such complete BS.